Thursday, October 30, 2008

Problem #1 (Listening to John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room...")

I knocked off work early...I just wasn't feeling so hot, so I said to hell with it, and left. Of course I decided to make a pit-stop at BevMo...I seriously have to rethink how much money I give them.

(Don't worry, I'll get to problem #1 - and the problems are not in any specific order - from my earlier post - in a few minutes, just wanted to work up to it - here's a hint - it's work related)

My girlfriend and I make weekly pilgrimage's to this mecca of drunken stupidity, definitely an alcoholic's paradise. I picked up a few bottles of Pinot Noir. I use to NEVER drink Noir till I met Nic and she totally turned me onto this shit, which is amazing! Of course, there are a few bottles that I had that were not that great, but for the most part, I would say about 90%, have been pretty decent to pretty damn good.

Well, I get home, take off the work clothes, pull on a comfortable red sweater, put away a few clothes that were laying around(hey, a bachelor is allowed these things, ok?), and I pour a very healthy glass of Noir. Suprisingly, I am "wonderfully" buzzed fairly quick. What I mean by buzzed is that I'm not drunk nor am I anywhere near it; it means that I feel lighthearted, wanting to smile. But certainly not drunk. I heard this happens when you don't really eat for a few days (if I recall, I had a SINGLE chicken-wing yesterday and that was about it haha).

I grabbed the glass and headed out to the patio, cigarette in tow. Good God, it's a bit chilly tonight. Heh. I happen to like the cold, even though my punk-ass grew up in hot-ass Texas. Weird, huh?

Sorry, I had to take a quick break to fill up the glass :)

Anyway, now that I'm a little more relaxed, focused, I can continue on from my earlier post about my "anxiety."

I thought about it a tiny bit more and I think my anxiety is stress induced. Or not. At this point, it doesn't really matter. Oh, wait haha, I wanted to show you this: (I NEVER fucking read my Horoscope...I stopped years ago because...well, it's always fucking wrong. But I read mine today just for the hell of it and it freaked me out).


Being happy should be your top priority -- use the day to recharge your batteries.


Your weird dreams aren't just random (though sometimes they are, of course). Right now, they're trying to tell you something that's pretty important and the message is most likely pretty straightforward.

Wierd, HUH???!! lol I could only laugh after I read it. I thought to myself, "Where the fuck were you this week when I needed you? "

Anyway, I'm going to preface Problem #1 out 3 with a question:

Why do people think telling HALF-truths count as THE truth?

It's unbelieveable to me that someone could look me in the eye, with me KNOWING the FULL truth, and essentially tell me a HALF truth, or a partial truth. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say "half-truth?"

Well, let me explain my definition so we're on the same page; wait. You know what? No. I won't give you an example. I'll just tell you what happened at work. Then I think you'll clearly understand.

I'm patriarchal. What does that mean? That means that if you're under my wing, I'll defend and protect you. Whether you're family, a friend, co-worker...doesn't matter. If you need me to defend you, I will. Even if you've done me wrong.

I had an employee come to me recently. She was in a LOT of trouble. She wasn't who she was. Yeah, you read that right. Her name, as everyone called her, was fake. And the REAL person came knocking on my door.

It's a bit more complicated, but this wasn't my major problem. She quickly resigned. It was straight out of a movie...fake identities, reports to local authorities, a mess. A real fucking mess. When she chose to resign, she called me in tears. This is when my patriarchial tendency kicked in. As my employee, I wanted to protect her, but I knew, after speaking to me, that she knowingly and intentionally did what she did; it would only make me an accessory.

So I did the only thing I could.

I bought her time.

I told her EXACTLY want to do so immigration would not make a spectacle of her. I told her that I would do what I could so INS (Immigration) would leave her the fuck alone. I hope to God she listened to me. She was a great employee.

The heart breaking thing for me? Read along...Her english wasn't that good...but I think you might understand:

Me: "Oye, como esta?"

Emp: "MarXXX, I'm so sorry, I lied and now it catch me."

Me: "Ok, JuXXXX, don't worry, I'll help."

Emp: "Ok, thank you, I no mean this happen. I'm so sorry."

Me: "JuXXXX, don't worry, I promise, I'll help you. Por favor...hablame...(deep pause)...como se llama?"

Emp: "Es AngXXXX."

Me" "Hola AngXXXX...Como esta Ustd?...It's a pleasure to meet you."

I said this to this employee that I'd known for months now by another name. Believe it or not, this wasn't the problem. I moved forward and bought her time; she was a single parent raising 6 babies on her own. I gave INS the run around.

Here's where my problem lays...Problem #1.

After this all ocurred, it was kept hush-hush. Primarily due to legality reasons, this is simply something you do NOT discuss with ANYONE other than my boss and our legal department. There are way too many variables involved that could fuck me over in a second.

Well, guess what?

2 hours later after this happened, it hit the floor. And I was completely puzzled how. Let me give you a preface. For the last several months, I had INTERNAL information, from meetings with my managers, being leaked to the frontline staff and from there, to my clients. This is EXTRAORDINARILY dangerous as, well, I'm sure you'd agree, INTERNAL information is FUCKING INTERNAL. It was not ever meant to get out in any form. And somehow, in a matter of hours, my frontline staff was aware of it and my clients were up in arms.

Well, FUCK.

God dang it. What the hell just happened??????!!!

This was my last straw. I had a gut instinct earlier that I had a leak somewhere within the ranks. I just couldn't figure it out. I had other priorities that were more important. But this one, this information being leaked, did me the fuck-in.


My "Gut" Instinct: I consider my GUT instinct a curse or a blessing. Everyone has a "gut" instinct, you know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to MY gut instinct. Or simply instinct. My curse or blessing? I'm 100% right. Always. I cannot think of ONE time, when I use my gut instincts, that I have been wrong.

Not one time.



I remember shutting the door to my office, closing the door, sitting down, shutting my eyes, and taking a deep breath. I carefully started the process of "breaking-down" the situation, from point A to point B. And it clicked. It simply clicked. All the puzzle pieces came together and it was so clear, I realized that my instinct was right, AGAIN.

You see, there was only two people that were aware of the situation. Person A and Person B. I was person B.

That left Person A (Pay attention now lol I'm giving away a secret here...a part of my analytical thinking).

I spoke to Person A. I bought Person A into my office, we sat down, and the grilling process began. But before I even contemplated doing this, I stopped to review my history with Person A. I cultivated who this person was, their actions, their response, what they did, when they did it...I UNDERSTOOD Person A. I knew Person A better than Person A did.

Person A picked up on this.

And Person A saved me a lot of grief and told me the truth.

Thank God.


Apparently, Person A informed me that they made a mistake and "may" have said something to someone else.

Enter Person C.


There's my leak.

For the LONGEST time, I had this shit-ass period where really, all my internal shit kept leaking out, almost to hemmorgging and there wasn't fucking thing I could do to fix it.

But my instincts kept up with me. They said, "Keep a close eye. Pay attention. They'll fuck up. Everyone does. They always do. But don't ever let on."


Because, you can only hide things for so long before they come out. You can only tell "partial-truths" before the real, complete truth comes out. And with one of my employee's, the real-truth was about to come-out bursting. I could feel it in my bones. That's how sure I was.

Stopped fucking around years ago. Hey, I admit it; I wasn't the best person that I could have been. But I woke up one day, realized that my actions, past and present, didn't do anyone any good. Especially me. So I stopped. I grew up. I refused to do...the things I had done. And I haven't looked back since. If anything, I'm proud to have been able to keep that promise to myself.

STOP: Sorry again, I had to smoke a cig and fill my glass of wine up. It's taking me 2 hours to write this damn post haha Tic Tac just jumped off my lap, ran into the bedroom, and is knocked out on my bed. What a spoiled little dog. Haha!

I bring Person C into my office. We sit down and chit chat for a bit.

I think this is where my anxiety started kicking in, where I stopped being able to understand.


Imagine knowing the truth and having someone boldy lie to you or tell you a's not easy to swallow.

And this is exactly what happened.

I sit Person C down, let's call her "Bree." This is how the conversation went: (obviously I've changed the names; if you see a set of "paranthesis" next to the conversation, it's indicating I already know the'll see what I'm talking about as I write it).

(Oops. I Stopped for about an hour. You're not going to believe this...but I just got off the phone with someone I haven't spoken to in almost....well...MANY years...holy, this post is taking almost 4 hours to do...LMFAO...Shit...hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I've taken a wine break, a bathroom break, a phone break...LOL!)

Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, Person C. Fudge, I've had too much to drink I think. Right now, I'm at a full bottle of wine and a half of another. Eek! lol (Nic, I miss you so much right now...if you were only reading this...).

*ahem* Ok, bring Person C into my office and I sit her down. I start with, "Bree, how's everything going in your department?" She spends the next 15 minutes spilling her guts about her department problems...I spent those 15 minutes saying, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh." Ok, I was THINKING it... :-/

Finally, I ask her, "There was an issue regarding some highly confidential information recently. There weren't many people that were aware of it. So here's my question Bree...Were you aware of it and if you were, did you pass it on to anybody?"

B: "No, I don't know what you're talking about." (Strike ONE)

Me: "Well, it was brought to my attention by a few employee's, after I spoke to them, about HOW they got the information. They ALL said that they had heard it from you. Am I, or they, wrong about this?"

B: "They must be wrong because all I know about this employee was about her kids. I dunno anything other than that. No one ever said anything about that to me." (Strike TWO)

Me: "I see. Well, let me ask you ONE more time, and if you DO know something and tell me now, I guarantee it will be a simple slap on the wrist. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because of the highly sensitive nature; I have to get Legal involved and if it turns into something beyond that, I have absolutely NO control. So now would be a good time...."

B: "No MJ, I really don't know anything. I only knew something about her children and that was it." (Strike THREE)

Well now, let's get to the root of Problem #3. This employee of mine is a department head...and she's tenured...which makes it a challenge to discontinue with her per the "strikes" above, I already KNEW the answers, yet she chose to lie to me.


Why is this?

I'm so fucking puzzled. I GAVE her the opportunity to TELL me the God DANG truth (sorry, can't say "damn" and "God" in the same sentence. I already have enough of my own strikes against me).

I STRONGLY believe that the aforementioned is one of my anxiety inducing problems; that is, being lied to when I already know the "instinct" was right. And this was what I was worried about...

I listened to her contently...focusing on every word. And this is where the "partial-truth" came into play. Yes, she told me the truth...but she stopped half-way, and I was well aware of it. I could see it in her face, hear it in her voice, and understood from her words. Fact of the matter is, in the words she spoke, I inferred quite a bit...enough to figure out the truth to another level. Instead of jumping the gun, I continued to listen.

I let her finish...

And I sighed...

Here I am...someone that I respect and admire sitting 4 feet in front of me, basically lying to me. And each lie broke my spirit a little more, because I just KNEW the damn truth.


I do have heart. And she never told me the truth.

End result...she's currently under investigation by my HR department.

This was my problem all along, my Problem #1...all Bree had to do was tell me the truth so I could fucking HELP her get out of this jam. I certainly, not EVER, want to see any of my employees with a negative result due to a wrong answer that, if they answered honestly, could have saved them.

I can no longer save her.

She's on her own.

And it absolutely KILLS me to think that with a single question of mine, had she decided to go with the RIGHT and HONEST answer, could have put her in a different position.

I have, in the past, dealt with similarsituations, which is the reason why I think I had so much anxiety over this...I had employees FOLLOW me from site to site because they respected and admired me...I took this as a compliment and did what I could for them.

The sad part is....and it's even hard for me to write about it...but...I have sent an employee to jail. All she had to do was make the RIGHT choice...

She did not.

I'm going on 5 hours to finish this post...I've had it up on my computer now for quite awhile, doing errands and procrastinating to get this done...

So, this is part one of my anxiety...dealing with this less than scrupulous employee...

I work with people that I respect and admire have one of them lie to me broke my heart, after all the hard work that we had all put in to be the best.

Is the "partial-truth" a lie? Absolutely. In my book it is. Doesn't matter what the justification is. It's simply wrong. All Bree had to do was tell me the GOD DAMN TRUTH...and this is where my frustration lays...

So I hope you can understand, someone you work with everyday, someone that you rely on....lying to you; right in front of your face.

It's disheartening.

It's discouraging.

It makes you re-evaluate yourself.

The best part? That's exactly what I did.

And by doing so, it help me find resolution to Problem #2.

Problem #2 is...

(Better left for another post).



It's rainy outside...

...and I am exhausted. Not physically, but mentally, I'm worn down.

I think I'm going to pack up and go home.

Drop by BevMo and grab a few bottles Noir.

Get home, put on a sweater, put in a flick, play some games.

I know I should probably update from my early post, but I'm just mentally tired to do that. I think later this evening, I should be ok. I dunno.

So home and wine for me I guess.



I started on Myspace

I started this blog post on my myspace....I've been finding myself more inclined to stop writing blog posts there and start writing them here instead. Back in the day, I would get thousands of hits a day, but since at that point that I've stopped blogging, my numbers have drastically dropped.

This is a good thing. My blog is going back to being MY blog. I even checked the counter since yesterday and I've only gotten 4 hits. Again, this is perfect. Many of the people who use to come visit regularly do not anymore. Maybe 2 that I know in real-life know about this blog. No one else knows about this one....not my family, not my girlfriend, not even most of my friends. Ok, I'm lying, maybe 3 people (what's up Carlos!).

I love this blog and for those of you that maybe trolling around and have never seen this blog before, do me a favor; ask all the questions you want, just don't try to get underneath my skin.

I'll write more in continuance in a few minutes after I finish my initial post from this morning....

(continuance from MySpace)

It’s 7:30 AM in the morning.....

....and I didn't have a great night of sleep. I was fairly restless. The last thing I remember is Tic Tac burrowing underneath the covers, putting his head against my arm, and staying still. Skittles jumped up a second after, curled up against the bump that was Tic Tac, and knocked out too.

I turned on the TV and watched....I think it was Son's of Anarchy or something. I'm not even sure. I remember flipping through the channels and finding absolutely nothing to entertain me so I did something that I don't normally do and here lately, I've found myself doing it a lot.

What I did was.....(continued on my other blog)

(continuing.....) What I did was, I turned the TV on, lowered the sound, and lulled myself to sleep. I'm actually starting to sleep with the television on. I admit, my girlfriend probably got me hooked on's not the BEST habit...but I've had some awkwardness the last couple of weeks.

It's very difficult to explain.

(I'm going to keep writing in first person as I simply want to say SOMETHING, but not to anyone in particular)

For the last couple of weeks, maybe 2 or 3 weeks, something's been amiss in my life. This is the part that won't make sense and I'm not being condescending at thoughts are scattered and trying to organize them makes me fearful only due to what the end result maybe. I find this ironic because my Type A personality shows logic can only be the right answer. But we all know this is not always the case.

Anyway, for the last couple of weeks, I've felt something is wrong or amiss, but have not been able to put my finger on it. I've thought and thought and thought, but whatever the "wrong" is, has essentially eluded the point that I nearly had an anxiety attack. Was it work? Was it personal? I don't know.

I still don't know.

Here, let me put it this way; It was my instincts. My instincts have heightened lately, again I don't know why, and my instincts have been telling me something is VERY wrong. No, not as if my instincts were predicting the's more of like an overwhelming sensation, deep rooted in me, that some"THING" is not "right."

Ugh, I'm so sorry for my lack of synonyms. It's frustrating trying to explain something that even I cannot put a finger on. My explanation above is in the most general sense.

Here's an example; just the other day, I got into work late at about 9:30AM. By 2:30 PM, I was finished. I had spent the day TRYING SO HARD to focus, but I could not. I couldn't read, couldn't write, couldn't type on the computer. I couldn't do ANYTHING. I told my staff that I wasn't feeling good, so I grabbed Tic Tac and went home. As we got in there car and driving home, I reached for a cigarette, found the pack, and tried to take one out. Wow. They were gone. I had opened this pack when I got to work and 5 hours later, they were all gone. I had gone through 20 in 5 hours. I thought about how much coffee I was drinking; 6 cups in an hour. When I got home, I sat on my couch and reflected for a minute or two. I had no financials that were due, no presentations, no meetings. I just sat there. I took a deep breath and I just sat there.

Something just wasn't right.

And it was SO frustrating not being able to pinpoint it.

As I was sitting, I caughy my reflection on the television.

It was strange peering into my own eyes, at my own face.

I thought to myself (and I remember this CLEARLY and these were the EXACT words I thought to myself), "MJ, what's going on? Why are you not getting right? What's weighing you down? Think, you asshole. Figure it out. Think and fucking figure it out."

I answered quietly, "Ok...I need silence. I need a moment. Just a moment."

I need to stop right here for one second. I HAVE to explain this to you. This is how I think. This is why when I focus on something, I get determined and get what I want. And in this case, I wanted an answer.

And I thought of it this morning. It came to me like a beaming light.

I was in San Ramon this morning at our corporate offices. I had to take a proctored behavioral test for Human Resources. The line of questions.....was amazing.

I was at my best.

There was not a single analytical thing that I could not figure out.

I was in my moment.

Numbers thrown at me and I tore them apart and deciphered them.

"Kids stuff" I thought to myself.

Shapes and puzzles thrown at me....again, I'm in my moment and I'm zipping through the answers.

At the end, I ask if I can see my grade right then and there.

Her response?

"Wow MJ. Holy $hit. Congratulations...You just scored higher than any other director in the North."

I said, "Thank you. I better get back to the office."

I smiled all the way out to the car.

I had come to the realization that I was frustrated because there were several problems in my life and instead of getting a hold of them, figuring out the concerns, and addressing them, I was allowing them to overwhelm me.

On the drive to the office I thought, "Ok MJ, let's get down to business."

I gave myself the drive over to the office to isolate what was wrong. I separated, analytically, what was wrong on the surface between what my instincts were telling me.

And it worked flawlessly.

In that 35 minute drive, Tic Tac in my lap, I was able to identify several, several things that were weighing me down.

Great, now I've been able to isolate the numerous problems.

Next phase; filter out and prioritize.

I took the small problems that I was making into large ones and discarded them. Which left me with some moderately sized problems. I took those and figured out how to tackle them, quickly, before the end of the week.

I finally got down to the meat. The killer problems. I came to the abrupt realization that these problems were the ones that were weighing the heaviest in my heart, mind, and body. They were the ones that were not allowing me to eat (I haven't eaten in 3 days) and having one too many beers.

I let out a deep sigh. And very analytically, began to work the problems in my head. Look to the past, the present, and the future.

I took these problems and very gently let my instincts have a feel.

I believe right about now, you're probably curious as to what those problems might be.

I narrowed down the problems to exactly 3.

No more, no less.

And those problems are:

(Better left for another post)


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's been a hard day today.....

....and I can't explain why. I wake up every morning, have 2 cups of coffee, and take a breather for about 10 minutes.

I walked into the office today and EVERY day that I go to work, I always, and I do mean ALWAYS, bring my A-Game.

Not today.

I'm unfocused.

I'm not clear.

And I cannot for the life of me explain why. I've tried to get a lot done, but the more I try, the more I cannot muster the energy.

My hands are clammy too, which is super unusual. I'm sick. That's it. Has to be.

Ugh, I need a beer.



Monday, October 27, 2008

So, it's the start of the week.....

So, it's the start of the week. I have about 5 minutes to shoot something out as I'm on my lunch break. I no longer stop and ENJOY any meals unless I'm with my girlfriend. Outside of that, I just inhale it and run; way too much to do.

And yes, above, you see little Tic Tac's head poking out of the car while I run in to grab my meal (this was yesterday and I had ran out of beer so I drove to the gas station to pick up a few).

I also found a great costume for him for Halloween; it's an absolute trip and I'll post pictures as soon as I take them this week - maybe Wednesday or Friday.

All is going well on my end; my girlfriend was playing the cutest little puzzle game a couple of days ago and we both got hooked on it. What was even MORE cute was watching her get was insanely adorable.

Also, I've been reading up on Lineage a little bit and I nearly, NEARLY, restarted my account. I see that Ep6 is out and I wanted to take a look at it. But hey, that's $15 a month I could spend on something BETTER....not sure what that is yet, but I'll let ya'll know once I figure it out haha!

As usual, I'm still playing Warrock, but the shear volume of hackers doesn't make the game very fun and I'm starting to get annoyed by it; insomuch as simply just dropping the game. I also got a hold of Tiffany, aka Ancid, which I'm sure ya'll remember and shes's letting me play on her private server - Lineage II. One small, or major problem; I downloaded the game and I tried to install it, but it would not install. It's not a small game so not having it install kind of bummed me out. I think I'll download again overnight (the sucker is BIG) and try again.

Ok, that's it for now, more later.



Monday, October 20, 2008

I'm watching Casino Royale.....

........yes, THAT Casino Royale - the 007 flick. I remember when I bought this movie....I remember what I was went something like this...."This Bond guy is pretty cool - I mean, THIS particular Bond. He's different. He has flaws."

I think every guy wants to be James Bond to a degree and I think every guy IS James Bond to a degree. You see, what's different from this Bond than other Bond's is that.........

(Only I could relate James Bond to each of us - I only ask that you humor me and play along; if my reasoning is bogus, then I can simply tell you to "Fuck Off." Feel me? Good."

This Bond is human. He does not miraculously dodge every bullet sent his way, has a heart, but it's made of stone and is cautious beyond belief, even bleeds a interesting...James Bond with a flaw. Imagine something happening in your life that changes who you are. Most of us don't recognize this. Very few of us do.

But imagine this thing, in Bond's scenario, a specific person, who helps define/mold his persona.

He becomes cold. Calculated. Frigid. But beyond these things, he's cool. Calm. Indifferent.

He's smart. He's cool. He know's more than what he let's on.

He's me.

He's you.

Does this make any kind of sense to you whatsoever?

Didn't think so. If this doesn't make any coherent sense to you, then stop reading now.

(ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm at the scene where he runs to his Aston Martin, trying to give himself a shot of adrenaline. Don't care about this scene OTHER THAN FOR THE ASTON MARTIN.

WICKED WANT'S AN ASTON MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

If it does make sense, then GOOD.

Ok, I need to smoke a cig and finish this glass of wine, so more tomorrow.



Friday, October 17, 2008


How are ya'll doing? I'm ok. Kind of.

Doing my best. That's the most accurate way of putting it. It's about 8:30 on a Friday night....I picked up a six pack of Hef (which I actually like and I consider it a meal due to it's heftiness), and I'm buzzed.

I wanted to drop a line and let ya'll know that I'll be blogging on another site; yes, I'm aware that enough people know about this blog; I even went as far as to go back and delete the links on this blog from other sites. A positive, or a negative if you're an attention whore, is that my hits have dropped drastically. This is a good thing. But as a precaution, I'm going to hold my blogging to another site.

The site is kind of different.....hard to explain.....but that blog that I'm writing is intense. Again, hard to explain.

Anyway, I promise to return to this one soon.

Or never again.


Wickedliquids, aka MJ