(Don't worry, I'll get to problem #1 - and the problems are not in any specific order - from my earlier post - in a few minutes, just wanted to work up to it - here's a hint - it's work related)
My girlfriend and I make weekly pilgrimage's to this mecca of drunken stupidity, definitely an alcoholic's paradise. I picked up a few bottles of Pinot Noir. I use to NEVER drink Noir till I met Nic and she totally turned me onto this shit, which is amazing! Of course, there are a few bottles that I had that were not that great, but for the most part, I would say about 90%, have been pretty decent to pretty damn good.
Well, I get home, take off the work clothes, pull on a comfortable red sweater, put away a few clothes that were laying around(hey, a bachelor is allowed these things, ok?), and I pour a very healthy glass of Noir. Suprisingly, I am "wonderfully" buzzed fairly quick. What I mean by buzzed is that I'm not drunk nor am I anywhere near it; it means that I feel lighthearted, wanting to smile. But certainly not drunk. I heard this happens when you don't really eat for a few days (if I recall, I had a SINGLE chicken-wing yesterday and that was about it haha).
I grabbed the glass and headed out to the patio, cigarette in tow. Good God, it's a bit chilly tonight. Heh. I happen to like the cold, even though my punk-ass grew up in hot-ass Texas. Weird, huh?
Sorry, I had to take a quick break to fill up the glass :)
Anyway, now that I'm a little more relaxed, focused, I can continue on from my earlier post about my "anxiety."
I thought about it a tiny bit more and I think my anxiety is stress induced. Or not. At this point, it doesn't really matter. Oh, wait haha, I wanted to show you this: (I NEVER fucking read my Horoscope...I stopped years ago because...well, it's always fucking wrong. But I read mine today just for the hell of it and it freaked me out).
Being happy should be your top priority -- use the day to recharge your batteries.
Your weird dreams aren't just random (though sometimes they are, of course). Right now, they're trying to tell you something that's pretty important and the message is most likely pretty straightforward.
Wierd, HUH???!! lol I could only laugh after I read it. I thought to myself, "Where the fuck were you this week when I needed you? "
Anyway, I'm going to preface Problem #1 out 3 with a question:
Why do people think telling HALF-truths count as THE truth?
It's unbelieveable to me that someone could look me in the eye, with me KNOWING the FULL truth, and essentially tell me a HALF truth, or a partial truth. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say "half-truth?"
Well, let me explain my definition so we're on the same page; wait. You know what? No. I won't give you an example. I'll just tell you what happened at work. Then I think you'll clearly understand.
I'm patriarchal. What does that mean? That means that if you're under my wing, I'll defend and protect you. Whether you're family, a friend, co-worker...doesn't matter. If you need me to defend you, I will. Even if you've done me wrong.
I had an employee come to me recently. She was in a LOT of trouble. She wasn't who she was. Yeah, you read that right. Her name, as everyone called her, was fake. And the REAL person came knocking on my door.
It's a bit more complicated, but this wasn't my major problem. She quickly resigned. It was straight out of a movie...fake identities, reports to local authorities, a mess. A real fucking mess. When she chose to resign, she called me in tears. This is when my patriarchial tendency kicked in. As my employee, I wanted to protect her, but I knew, after speaking to me, that she knowingly and intentionally did what she did; it would only make me an accessory.
So I did the only thing I could.
I bought her time.
I told her EXACTLY want to do so immigration would not make a spectacle of her. I told her that I would do what I could so INS (Immigration) would leave her the fuck alone. I hope to God she listened to me. She was a great employee.
The heart breaking thing for me? Read along...Her english wasn't that good...but I think you might understand:
Me: "Oye, como esta?"
Emp: "MarXXX, I'm so sorry, I lied and now it catch me."
Me: "Ok, JuXXXX, don't worry, I'll help."
Emp: "Ok, thank you, I no mean this happen. I'm so sorry."
Me: "JuXXXX, don't worry, I promise, I'll help you. Por favor...hablame...(deep pause)...como se llama?"
Emp: "Es AngXXXX."
Me" "Hola AngXXXX...Como esta Ustd?...It's a pleasure to meet you."
I said this to this employee that I'd known for months now by another name. Believe it or not, this wasn't the problem. I moved forward and bought her time; she was a single parent raising 6 babies on her own. I gave INS the run around.
Here's where my problem lays...Problem #1.
After this all ocurred, it was kept hush-hush. Primarily due to legality reasons, this is simply something you do NOT discuss with ANYONE other than my boss and our legal department. There are way too many variables involved that could fuck me over in a second.
Well, guess what?
2 hours later after this happened, it hit the floor. And I was completely puzzled how. Let me give you a preface. For the last several months, I had INTERNAL information, from meetings with my managers, being leaked to the frontline staff and from there, to my clients. This is EXTRAORDINARILY dangerous as, well, I'm sure you'd agree, INTERNAL information is FUCKING INTERNAL. It was not ever meant to get out in any form. And somehow, in a matter of hours, my frontline staff was aware of it and my clients were up in arms.
God dang it. What the hell just happened??????!!!
This was my last straw. I had a gut instinct earlier that I had a leak somewhere within the ranks. I just couldn't figure it out. I had other priorities that were more important. But this one, this information being leaked, did me the fuck-in.
My "Gut" Instinct: I consider my GUT instinct a curse or a blessing. Everyone has a "gut" instinct, you know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to MY gut instinct. Or simply instinct. My curse or blessing? I'm 100% right. Always. I cannot think of ONE time, when I use my gut instincts, that I have been wrong.
Not one time.
I remember shutting the door to my office, closing the door, sitting down, shutting my eyes, and taking a deep breath. I carefully started the process of "breaking-down" the situation, from point A to point B. And it clicked. It simply clicked. All the puzzle pieces came together and it was so clear, I realized that my instinct was right, AGAIN.
You see, there was only two people that were aware of the situation. Person A and Person B. I was person B.
That left Person A (Pay attention now lol I'm giving away a secret here...a part of my analytical thinking).
I spoke to Person A. I bought Person A into my office, we sat down, and the grilling process began. But before I even contemplated doing this, I stopped to review my history with Person A. I cultivated who this person was, their actions, their response, what they did, when they did it...I UNDERSTOOD Person A. I knew Person A better than Person A did.
Person A picked up on this.
And Person A saved me a lot of grief and told me the truth.
Apparently, Person A informed me that they made a mistake and "may" have said something to someone else.
Enter Person C.
There's my leak.
For the LONGEST time, I had this shit-ass period where really, all my internal shit kept leaking out, almost to hemmorgging and there wasn't fucking thing I could do to fix it.
But my instincts kept up with me. They said, "Keep a close eye. Pay attention. They'll fuck up. Everyone does. They always do. But don't ever let on."
Because, you can only hide things for so long before they come out. You can only tell "partial-truths" before the real, complete truth comes out. And with one of my employee's, the real-truth was about to come-out bursting. I could feel it in my bones. That's how sure I was.
Stopped fucking around years ago. Hey, I admit it; I wasn't the best person that I could have been. But I woke up one day, realized that my actions, past and present, didn't do anyone any good. Especially me. So I stopped. I grew up. I refused to do...the things I had done. And I haven't looked back since. If anything, I'm proud to have been able to keep that promise to myself.
STOP: Sorry again, I had to smoke a cig and fill my glass of wine up. It's taking me 2 hours to write this damn post haha Tic Tac just jumped off my lap, ran into the bedroom, and is knocked out on my bed. What a spoiled little dog. Haha!
I bring Person C into my office. We sit down and chit chat for a bit.
I think this is where my anxiety started kicking in, where I stopped being able to understand.
Imagine knowing the truth and having someone boldy lie to you or tell you a half-truth...it's not easy to swallow.
And this is exactly what happened.
I sit Person C down, let's call her "Bree." This is how the conversation went: (obviously I've changed the names; if you see a set of "paranthesis" next to the conversation, it's indicating I already know the truth...you'll see what I'm talking about as I write it).
(Oops. I Stopped for about an hour. You're not going to believe this...but I just got off the phone with someone I haven't spoken to in almost....well...MANY years...holy shit...lol...ok, this post is taking almost 4 hours to do...LMFAO...Shit...hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I've taken a wine break, a bathroom break, a phone break...LOL!)
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, Person C. Fudge, I've had too much to drink I think. Right now, I'm at a full bottle of wine and a half of another. Eek! lol (Nic, I miss you so much right now...if you were only reading this...).
*ahem* Ok, so...um...I bring Person C into my office and I sit her down. I start with, "Bree, how's everything going in your department?" She spends the next 15 minutes spilling her guts about her department problems...I spent those 15 minutes saying, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh." Ok, I was THINKING it... :-/
Finally, I ask her, "There was an issue regarding some highly confidential information recently. There weren't many people that were aware of it. So here's my question Bree...Were you aware of it and if you were, did you pass it on to anybody?"
B: "No, I don't know what you're talking about." (Strike ONE)
Me: "Well, it was brought to my attention by a few employee's, after I spoke to them, about HOW they got the information. They ALL said that they had heard it from you. Am I, or they, wrong about this?"
B: "They must be wrong because all I know about this employee was about her kids. I dunno anything other than that. No one ever said anything about that to me." (Strike TWO)
Me: "I see. Well, let me ask you ONE more time, and if you DO know something and tell me now, I guarantee it will be a simple slap on the wrist. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because of the highly sensitive nature; I have to get Legal involved and if it turns into something beyond that, I have absolutely NO control. So now would be a good time...."
B: "No MJ, I really don't know anything. I only knew something about her children and that was it." (Strike THREE)
Well now, let's get to the root of Problem #3. This employee of mine is a department head...and she's tenured...which makes it a challenge to discontinue with her services...as per the "strikes" above, I already KNEW the answers, yet she chose to lie to me.
Why is this?
I'm so fucking puzzled. I GAVE her the opportunity to TELL me the God DANG truth (sorry, can't say "damn" and "God" in the same sentence. I already have enough of my own strikes against me).
I STRONGLY believe that the aforementioned is one of my anxiety inducing problems; that is, being lied to when I already know the truth...my "instinct" was right. And this was what I was worried about...
I listened to her contently...focusing on every word. And this is where the "partial-truth" came into play. Yes, she told me the truth...but she stopped half-way, and I was well aware of it. I could see it in her face, hear it in her voice, and understood from her words. Fact of the matter is, in the words she spoke, I inferred quite a bit...enough to figure out the truth to another level. Instead of jumping the gun, I continued to listen.
I let her finish...
And I sighed...
Here I am...someone that I respect and admire sitting 4 feet in front of me, basically lying to me. And each lie broke my spirit a little more, because I just KNEW the damn truth.
I wanted to yell, to scream, to throw into her face, "WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME??!! I KNOW ALREADY. I'M TRYING SO HARD, SO DESPERATELY TO SAVE YOUR JOB SO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DO NOT HAVE TO GO HUNGRY, GO ON WELFARE, OR LIVE PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK!!! PLEASE, PLEASE....JUST PLEASE....I'M BEGGING...JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH SO I CAN HELP YOU MAKE THIS RIGHT....please.................."
I do have heart. And she never told me the truth.
End result...she's currently under investigation by my HR department.
This was my problem all along, my Problem #1...all Bree had to do was tell me the truth so I could fucking HELP her get out of this jam. I certainly, not EVER, want to see any of my employees with a negative result due to a wrong answer that, if they answered honestly, could have saved them.
I can no longer save her.
She's on her own.
And it absolutely KILLS me to think that with a single question of mine, had she decided to go with the RIGHT and HONEST answer, could have put her in a different position.
I have, in the past, dealt with similarsituations, which is the reason why I think I had so much anxiety over this...I had employees FOLLOW me from site to site because they respected and admired me...I took this as a compliment and did what I could for them.
The sad part is....and it's even hard for me to write about it...but...I have sent an employee to jail. All she had to do was make the RIGHT choice...
She did not.
I'm going on 5 hours to finish this post...I've had it up on my computer now for quite awhile, doing errands and procrastinating to get this done...
So, this is part one of my anxiety...dealing with this less than scrupulous employee...
I work with people that I respect and admire greatly...to have one of them lie to me broke my heart, after all the hard work that we had all put in to be the best.
Is the "partial-truth" a lie? Absolutely. In my book it is. Doesn't matter what the justification is. It's simply wrong. All Bree had to do was tell me the GOD DAMN TRUTH...and this is where my frustration lays...
So I hope you can understand, someone you work with everyday, someone that you rely on....lying to you; right in front of your face.
It makes you re-evaluate yourself.
The best part? That's exactly what I did.
And by doing so, it help me find resolution to Problem #2.
Problem #2 is...
(Better left for another post).