I started on Myspace

I started this blog post on my myspace....I've been finding myself more inclined to stop writing blog posts there and start writing them here instead. Back in the day, I would get thousands of hits a day, but since at that point that I've stopped blogging, my numbers have drastically dropped.

This is a good thing. My blog is going back to being MY blog. I even checked the counter since yesterday and I've only gotten 4 hits. Again, this is perfect. Many of the people who use to come visit regularly do not anymore. Maybe 2 that I know in real-life know about this blog. No one else knows about this one....not my family, not my girlfriend, not even most of my friends. Ok, I'm lying, maybe 3 people (what's up Carlos!).

I love this blog and for those of you that maybe trolling around and have never seen this blog before, do me a favor; ask all the questions you want, just don't try to get underneath my skin.

I'll write more in continuance in a few minutes after I finish my initial post from this morning....

(continuance from MySpace)

It’s 7:30 AM in the morning.....

....and I didn't have a great night of sleep. I was fairly restless. The last thing I remember is Tic Tac burrowing underneath the covers, putting his head against my arm, and staying still. Skittles jumped up a second after, curled up against the bump that was Tic Tac, and knocked out too.

I turned on the TV and watched....I think it was Son's of Anarchy or something. I'm not even sure. I remember flipping through the channels and finding absolutely nothing to entertain me so I did something that I don't normally do and here lately, I've found myself doing it a lot.

What I did was.....(continued on my other blog)

(continuing.....) What I did was, I turned the TV on, lowered the sound, and lulled myself to sleep. I'm actually starting to sleep with the television on. I admit, my girlfriend probably got me hooked on this....it's not the BEST habit...but I've had some awkwardness the last couple of weeks.

It's very difficult to explain.

(I'm going to keep writing in first person as I simply want to say SOMETHING, but not to anyone in particular)

For the last couple of weeks, maybe 2 or 3 weeks, something's been amiss in my life. This is the part that won't make sense and I'm not being condescending at all...my thoughts are scattered and trying to organize them makes me fearful only due to what the end result maybe. I find this ironic because my Type A personality shows logic can only be the right answer. But we all know this is not always the case.

Anyway, for the last couple of weeks, I've felt something is wrong or amiss, but have not been able to put my finger on it. I've thought and thought and thought, but whatever the "wrong" is, has essentially eluded me...to the point that I nearly had an anxiety attack. Was it work? Was it personal? I don't know.

I still don't know.

Here, let me put it this way; It was my instincts. My instincts have heightened lately, again I don't know why, and my instincts have been telling me something is VERY wrong. No, not as if my instincts were predicting the future.....it's more of like an overwhelming sensation, deep rooted in me, that some"THING" is not "right."

Ugh, I'm so sorry for my lack of synonyms. It's frustrating trying to explain something that even I cannot put a finger on. My explanation above is in the most general sense.

Here's an example; just the other day, I got into work late at about 9:30AM. By 2:30 PM, I was finished. I had spent the day TRYING SO HARD to focus, but I could not. I couldn't read, couldn't write, couldn't type on the computer. I couldn't do ANYTHING. I told my staff that I wasn't feeling good, so I grabbed Tic Tac and went home. As we got in there car and driving home, I reached for a cigarette, found the pack, and tried to take one out. Wow. They were gone. I had opened this pack when I got to work and 5 hours later, they were all gone. I had gone through 20 in 5 hours. I thought about how much coffee I was drinking; 6 cups in an hour. When I got home, I sat on my couch and reflected for a minute or two. I had no financials that were due, no presentations, no meetings. I just sat there. I took a deep breath and I just sat there.

Something just wasn't right.

And it was SO frustrating not being able to pinpoint it.

As I was sitting, I caughy my reflection on the television.

It was strange peering into my own eyes, at my own face.

I thought to myself (and I remember this CLEARLY and these were the EXACT words I thought to myself), "MJ, what's going on? Why are you not getting right? What's weighing you down? Think, you asshole. Figure it out. Think and fucking figure it out."

I answered quietly, "Ok...I need silence. I need a moment. Just a moment."

I need to stop right here for one second. I HAVE to explain this to you. This is how I think. This is why when I focus on something, I get determined and get what I want. And in this case, I wanted an answer.

And I thought of it this morning. It came to me like a beaming light.

I was in San Ramon this morning at our corporate offices. I had to take a proctored behavioral test for Human Resources. The line of questions.....was amazing.

I was at my best.

There was not a single analytical thing that I could not figure out.

I was in my moment.

Numbers thrown at me and I tore them apart and deciphered them.

"Kids stuff" I thought to myself.

Shapes and puzzles thrown at me....again, I'm in my moment and I'm zipping through the answers.

At the end, I ask if I can see my grade right then and there.

Her response?

"Wow MJ. Holy $hit. Congratulations...You just scored higher than any other director in the North."

I said, "Thank you. I better get back to the office."

I smiled all the way out to the car.

I had come to the realization that I was frustrated because there were several problems in my life and instead of getting a hold of them, figuring out the concerns, and addressing them, I was allowing them to overwhelm me.

On the drive to the office I thought, "Ok MJ, let's get down to business."

I gave myself the drive over to the office to isolate what was wrong. I separated, analytically, what was wrong on the surface between what my instincts were telling me.

And it worked flawlessly.

In that 35 minute drive, Tic Tac in my lap, I was able to identify several, several things that were weighing me down.

Great, now I've been able to isolate the numerous problems.

Next phase; filter out and prioritize.

I took the small problems that I was making into large ones and discarded them. Which left me with some moderately sized problems. I took those and figured out how to tackle them, quickly, before the end of the week.

I finally got down to the meat. The killer problems. I came to the abrupt realization that these problems were the ones that were weighing the heaviest in my heart, mind, and body. They were the ones that were not allowing me to eat (I haven't eaten in 3 days) and having one too many beers.

I let out a deep sigh. And very analytically, began to work the problems in my head. Look to the past, the present, and the future.

I took these problems and very gently let my instincts have a feel.

I believe right about now, you're probably curious as to what those problems might be.

I narrowed down the problems to exactly 3.

No more, no less.

And those problems are:

(Better left for another post)


MJ