Hi Guys

Hi All - I know that I've been missing for quite sometime, which simply is not true - I've been around, but I've been playing other games and I've been re-prioritizing things in my life.

I've started a new blog, and you can keep up with me there if you'd like.

Also, I'm playing Call of Duty 2 - Modern Warfare right now.

Miss ya'll much and I hope you're doing well - drop me a line and give me a holla!

ciao!

Wicked "REALLY REALLY misses your mom" Liquids!

Eep!

Heya - wow, it's been so long since I've posted last; do I have lots to write about? Yuppers. Am I going to write about it? Noppers. Well, that's not true - I'll write a little bit about it. But not quite yet.

I'm considering very much to alter my blog content. I don't play Lineage at all anymore, nor do I even look at other peoples blogs other than maybe a few the last couple of months.

However, that doesn't mean I don't play games...I do play games...lots of games! hehehe

I did just check out the Lineage website....was kind of wierd.....

Anyway, as for content, I've gone back into Collecting.....cards....the GOOD stuff!!!

So with that said, I'm going to mix some personal, gaming, and cards into the mix.

Ok, more later!

Wicked "Misses your mom" Liquids!

what?

Hey...still here...no time to update. I have to update a LOT of shit, but I've been fucking tired beyond belief.

But I have one of those mega posts that I'll be doing soon.

Promise.

mj

Oops.....

Update coming - across the board - yelp, facebook, myspace.

Please be patient.

Thanks,

MJ

Howdy

It must be Thanksgiving - the roads are empty as I can barely hear a car zoom by. I'm at work...yuppers, I have to work, and it's been interesting thus far.

I'm tired as I couldn't sleep at all yesterday. I booked my flight home for Christmas AND I booked another flight to SoCal because I have a corporate meeting next month....yay! A $1,000 bucks spent within 15 minutes of each other. That's always exciting, isn't it?

Well, I'm going to put my sarcasm aside and take a moment to thank a few people

I thank my family, friends, my co-workers....well, just about everything and everybody. When I pop open Yahoo and see the people around the world - not just the hungry and the homeless, but those people who are nowhere near our level of civility, due to whatever reasons - poor government rule, etc....well, makes my life not so miserable. Do NOT read into that as being pretentious. What I meant was that there are many people in this world who have no running water, do not have ANY concept of cable tv, etc - those things that we take for granted...bring them to the US and they'd be in a world that they've never known.

It truly makes my problems trivial. This is that time of the year when I'm thankful for the people I know and the life that I live. It's also the time of the year when I begin to reflect and well..you know that New Year's song...I don't know the name of it, but there's a line where it says, "Let old acquaintances be forgotten...." I hate that fucking line.

Absolutely hate it.

I'd rather not "forget" them. They've help me mold me to be the person I am now, to know that there better things in life...and somethings in life that you'll never let go. I don't ever regret the past...my past, the wrong that I have done, the right that I have done, and the people that I've encountered have truly molded me into who I am....but always remember, it's what you do from this point on that defines you. You're past only shapes you....your decisions now will be what makes you, it will be your defining moment.

Well, I'll write more tonight....I've been invited to a couple of places for Thanksgiving...but I think I'd like to just spend it alone at home....unless some hot girl wants to come over and kick it....then I'll have to reconsider....hahahaha sorry, I had to throw that last line in.

Ok, more later tonight.

MJ

A cold Bud.....

Hey there....so I cut my drinking down...well, does 1 day count? I drank a glass of wine last night and couldn't finish it - it was terrible.

Let's see, where do I start...works gotten decent, still a bit difficult, but a good challenge in every way.

The weekend was fun. I do mean FUN. hehehehe

Yesterday, I didn't do anything, not even any errands or chores. I took a seat on the couch, kicked it back with a cup of coffee and/or some hot chocolate, and put in Season 10 of Friends and watched most of it. I was so tired, I went to bed at 8:30, turned the TV onto the USA network and watched House for the next 4 hours - that show is tooooooo good.

Then I went to sleep.

I'm just not in the writing mood, but I had to write to let ya'll know what I've been up to, that I'm ok, and things are getting better. At least I hope they are.

Yes, I DO have a ton to write about in regards to my adventures (come on, did you seriously think that I wouldn't have any adventures? I got a freaking boatload). However, I don't feel that writing about it now would be that all great only because I'm not in the mood and ya'll know how I write - it's the best ever when I'm on my game and my game is OFF :)

I bought that movie Tropic Thunder today, so I'm going to grab a beer, do some laundry, and just kick it the rest of the night.

Late.

MJ

I was in San Ramon today....all day.....

....because I had some corporate meetings. I've been so tired lately, really haven't eaten anything. But my days are getting better. My apartment is a wreck only because I've had no time to clean it up. I won't have time till Saturday morning and when that day comes, I'll clean the living heck out of it.

Anyway, I wanted to write a quote down before I forgot it. I know the mantra that I live by now is what I go by...but there's another one...one that's so incredibly eloquent and by one of my most favorite authors. How I could have forgotten it is beyond me:

"What you do speaks so loudly, I can hardly hear what you say."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I left something out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man, i left this out and I wanted to write somethjing about it. I pass out after I get home around 1 pm and I wake up at 2 pm and i'm just mewssing around and watching tv and i noticed that i can't find skittles, my crazy cat. i look around and I hear her meowing like crazy, but I just ignore it cuz I'm thinking she' sjust runing around during her fucking crazy ass shit.

About an hour later and I'm done watching tv, I walk out to the balcony and I hear her meowing....but this time, it's OUTSIDE some where. I don't panic or nuthnin lik e that; I just grab tic tac and walk out to the side of the 3rd floor where I live and I"m looking around listeningt for her meowing.

I'm looking and i'm looking and i fiannly see her; she's on the ground floor. Of course I immeidately thyink to myslef, how the fuck did she get all tye way down there cuz we're on the 3rd floor. I grab tic tac and get on th eelevator and head down as qucik as I could. I get down to the patio where she's hiding and she's snuggled up, not moving, but crying like she hasn't seen her daddy in decades.

I feel horrible!

I pick her up and bring hjer back up to the arpartment and i gently set her down.

Uh oh.

She's limping.

I guess that 2 story fall down, she must have sprained her leg. She can walk around so I know nothings broken, but her leg must be hurting something awful.

If she doesn't get better by next week, I'll take her to the vet to get her xrayed.

The moral of the story?

Skittles, just as Tic Tac is, is like my child. As as my child, I would protect and defend her with my life. If she's injured, I'd give me blood to her to make sure she was ok.

I'd give my life.

And my daddy instincts came out...I needed to protect her. So whenI did bring her up, I cradled her in my arms for awhile to just let her know that daddy was here. She's ok now, but she'll need a few more days rest.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am the durnkorzx!

haha I just tried to read my title, but even I could not read it.

I've had a REALLY fucking shitty past few days which is why I haven't been as vociferous as before. Um, here's the breakdown. I left work early yesterayd? was it yesterday? I left at 12, got home at 1, started drinking, and I chilled the rest of the night.

I thoguht I was gettin better, but I can see now that I am not. I think I am trying ot hard and it's having an opposite effect. Regardless, I was suppose to hang with some peopel last night, but htat got fucking blown to hell. I got so upset and looking back, I should not have. But at the same time, it was a fucking ghetto ass lame excuse and although I should not have gotten angry, I will not apologizie. I have come to realize that I am a good, resonable person and when I fuck up, I will be jupming up and down to say im sorry. If i didn't fuck up, then fuck you, I'm nto saying FUCKIGN SHIT.

I got up this morning atnd at 9 am, started drinking. I'm beginning to see the signs now. I think I'm in trouble, but not sure yet. I stopped enough to go get a haircut - oh this is cool

My hairstylist speaks Farsi!!!!

Whty does this matter?

After my haircut, I hadEVER intention to go get ink. I didn't want something huge, just something that was very personal to me. I wn't get into detail;l because I just said wat I did - it's for ME...so don't bother fucking askine me what it was going to be.

I talked to my friend stephanie and she's getting some ink done next week in Texas. Then I talked to my bestest friend in the workd, Kassie, and she freaking GOT HELLA FUCKING MAD at me for even thinking about getting ink. I didnt argue with her, I just talked to her and.........sigh............she convinced me not to get it done. I'm still thnking about going back and getting it done.

It's my life. It's what I need.

If you could only step into my mind, you'd know how complex and frustrating I can be.

On the surface, I present one way....but get to know me....well...this sounds so arrogant....but I love talking to people smarter than me....only because one day, I plan on outsmarting them.

This isthe NUBMER ONE REASON why I know about so much bullshit. Ahem....ok, not bullshit, but information that is probably 100% completely irrelevant to you....but it means everythging to me.

Talk to me sometime....then I think you'll understand.

Ok, I am going to get some more wine, watch a movie, whatevers.

Maybe I'll get the ink tomorrow.

MJJJJJJJ! :) I m the durnkorsz!

It's 3 AM I must be lonely....

...you know the lyrics...from Matchbox 20's 3 AM. Well, it's not quite 3 AM, but it's early.

I drank a few glasses of wine last night and I was so tired and exhausted from the day that I went to bed at precisely 8:48 PM. I put on some music on my headphones, turned on the tv, set the sleeper time, and knocked the hell out.

I mean I fucking fell ASLEEP.

I got up about 30 minutes ago and my body was aching...yuck. Forced myself into the shower to warm up and I wanted to hit a post before I started getting ready for work.

I feel a little better this morning...kind of...not really. I have a marketing event that I'm hosting today and it's going to be a super long day for me. I'm looking at about a 12 to 14 hour day. If I'm lucky, I'll be home around 8 or 9 PM. I got on break on Friday, then I'm doing another similar event on Saturday. Although it won't be a 14 hour day, it'll be a long day nevertheless.

Sorry about my rant yesterday....I was just annoyed, that's all, but I'm over it. I'm in an industry where people literally complain all day and sometimes, it just wears me down. Yesterday was one of those days.

Alright, well, I'm going to fill up my coffee cup and kick it on the patio for a little while. It's really foggy today, so if you live up in NorCal, drive safe.

See ya'll....

MJ

Oh goodness....

I drank too much again. Ok, not that much. But enough to make me tired. It's not even fucking 8 o'clock yet.

Eek!

It's ok. I'm going to knock out.

Goodnight.


MJ

I'm on edge today...and I don't know why.

I have been on SUPER edge today. I'm popping off on EVERYONE and I can't figure out why. Everyone knows I can be firm, even aggressive, but today....today is the day that ALL my staff is keeping 100 feet away from me. They know I'm mad (but I can't explain why), they know I'm pissed, (but I can't explain why), they know that they better answer me very, very fast and the answer better be good or they might get their heads chewed off.

This side of me is extraordinarily uncharacteristic of me and very unbecoming. I just keep getting this nagging sensation over and over I don't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

I know we all have problems. My job is to deal with problems. And normally, I'll listen to problems and do my best to advise and guide people the right way.

No one ever bothers to ask me about MY problems.

I'm puzzled by the simple fact that so many damn people on this planet CLEARLY ENJOY MAKING THE SAME DAMN MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THEN CRY AND BITCH ABOUT MAKING THE PROBLEM.

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON CONTINUALLY MAKING PROBLEMS REPETITIVE?

YOU MADE THE PROBLEM AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE IT MINE??!!

WHY DO PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO STOP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

ARE THEY THAT STUPID?????~!!!!

For God's sake, wake the hell up and fix your shit.

If you're not happy in life, then you're CHOOSING to not be happy.

Sigh........

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Thanks....I needed to get that out.

Bye.

MJ

Exhausted. Lost my car.

It's about 7:30 AM....I got drunk again last night, fumbled home around midnight, can't remember changing clothes, and fell asleep.

I woke up, as usual, at 5 AM. Again, my eyes popped open and I never fell back asleep. I got up, made a cup of coffee and did my morning ritual, which consisted of quietly sitting on the patio, smoking a cigarette, sipping my coffee and just contemplating my day.

I got dressed, looked for my keys because I had left my gate key in my car. I walked out to the parking garage and...I lost my car. I couldn't remember where I had parked it. I went through 3 floors of the parking garage, up and down, with Tic Tac in tow, looking for my fucking car.

After 15 minutes, I finally found the fucker parked just one level up, but off to the side.

Hmmm.....I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I found it funny. I'm not doing anything tonight. I've decided that I'm going to just clean the living shit out of my apartment, which I started about 20 minutes ago. I'm not at work yet because I have to drop by a place this morning before I go in, which is going to make me 2 hours late than my normal schedule. Thus the early morning post. I have nothing to do for the next hour, so I thought I'd write a little bit here and try to get my day going.

Ok...forgetting where my car is, is not a good idea. I realize that now.

Sigh....more later.

I feel a little ill.....

I got home last night and started drinking immediately. Then I took a shower and went out and drank some more...yes, I'm very aware it was a Monday. Hey, I even ate a little bit. I think that's what made me sick.

But this isn't why I'm ill. I spoke to a friend of mine on the way home, a very good friend actually that I've known for years and she completely BLASTED me. I mean, she was yelling and screaming at me...why?

She said I was an alcoholic and she was pissed off at me.

I argued with her most of the way home.

She made some valid points and I really had to think about what she said. This is the part that made me a bit ill. The most valid point was, "MJ, birds of a feather flock together. A REAL friend tells you that you're drinking too much and you need to slow it down. A REAL friend doesn't encourage you to drink that much. A REAL friend DOES NOT support you when you respond back with, "J, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink too much." Her response?

"Yes you do. You hang out with people and all they do is drink. When one person drinks too much, they don't want to drink alone so they fucking drag you down. And you're only ok with it because guess what? YOU dont' want to drink alone either. You need to check your friends. If they live a lifestyle like yours, guess what? They think that it's ok because if they fuck up, you'll fuck up with them. What the hell is your problem M??!! This is not like you. You're smarter. Your friends pull this shit and you're ok with it? Maybe you can't see it. Maybe you think you're doing right. Thank god you have a fucking job and you're doing ok. Don't end up losing your job over this. Where are you friends going to be? Are they going to pay for your shit? Nope. Knock it off, ok?"

Sigh....she's right. But instead of me drinking more, I'll have my friends cut back too so they don't drink as much.

But J, you're right. Birds of a feather DO flock together. What was that quote? Oh yeah....misery loves company. I guess when you throw alcohol into the mix, what you can get sometimes is less of yourself. And when you're drinking with friends, it's even harder to see.

Then one day you'll wake up and see it.

And by then, it's too late.

Kinda cold.

I'm taking a slightly earlier lunch today. I forgot to mention something earlier, but the last week or so, I've been cold. Unusually cold. I was thinking it was alcohol related, but I'm not sure. I'm so cold, I'll stand in the shower for 30 minutes or run warm water over my hands just to warm up. I'm always bundled up and the heater is on. I know it's winter time, but I just can't seem to warm up at all.

I've gone through 5 cups of coffee and 2 cups of hot cocoa today and 3 cups of soup; this is really strange. Oh well.

I'm a bit tired too...physically, I just feel weird. Ugh.

I'm sure it's nothing a few glasses of wine can't fix.

That's the wrong answer, isn't it?

Monday....

I had a terrible night of sleep, tossing and turning through most of it. I didn't drink that much yesterday either, maybe a few glasses of wine.

My weekend was mediocre...I didn't feel like doing much during the day. I sat and played a few games, enjoyed the wine, watched a ton of movies, and took a couple of naps; I guess you can say it was the laziest of all the weekends I've ever had.

Well, no, that's not true...but this weekend, I just wasn't motivated to do much of anything.

I'm in the office and we're going to go through some major stuff this week and looking at my schedule, it won't let up till....the first of next month. But this is ok. I need to stay busy anyway. Helps me keep my mind off of things.

My fasting took a minor break over the weekend....I ate about 4 oz of food...heh...I know, this isn't necessarily good for me....all my clothes are too big...but at this rate, I'll have 6 pack abs in about 2 weeks, so there's that give-off.

Also, I've gone ahead and decided to get ink. Not the type of ink that's so obnoxious, I want to show it off to everyone.

I want to get ink to represent my life. It'll be...well, after I get it done, I'll show you.

9 words that represent my life and everything about me. I'm broken right now and I know it. This is one of the ways I will fix myself. Permanently.

I have to get to work...I'll post something at my lunch break.

Take care.

Wristcutters....a love story...

WTF....Shit, I got a lot to write about.

First of all, thanks for not giving me shit over last night. It really was a blur. I should not have done what I did. It was....well, driving while drunk is never, EVER an option. So if I offended you, I'm sorry. I just needed that exhilaration, that rush. It's a one time thing, I assure you.

I knocked out so hard at around 4 AM...but I got up at 6 AM. I think, I KNOW, I'm the only person that I know of that can get up after 2 hours of sleep, being hella fucking drunk the night before, and be completely fine and ready to go for the day. Yup, I can do this. It's a talent.

I will admit, I'm a slightly bit worried....I'll explain in a second. But lemme tell you why I was up so early. I saw an ad at Walmart a couple of days ago; they had a sale on a specific laptop for only $300 bucks. I had bought an IBook about...um...2 or 3 weeks ago as a Christmas present, but I returned that earlier this week. I took the $2,500 and said I'd just put it aside...well, $2k of it, the remaining $500, I was going to play with. I was wanting the laptop, but when I got there, there was already a line and I missed out.

Guess what?

I was ok with it. I had WANTED the laptop, but didn't desire it. I guess my mantra of "If I do not desire, I will not suffer" fit in just nicely. I shrugged it off, bought some normal stuff like toothpaste, etc, and left.

I got home and started to hella clean...as a matter of fact, I'm taking a break from it now. Here's my problem...instead of stirring up that hot cup of coffee that I normally drink, I....sigh....*deep inhale*....I grabbed a bottle of Noir sitting on my counter, poured myself a glass, and started to drink.

I've never drank at 8:30 in the morning before.

Fuck.

So I'm taking a break and at Walmart I picked up 3 scary movies....no one's ever heard of them before, I'm sure, but I just needed something in front of me to take my mind off of things.

I put in....Mulberry St...it's a horror flick...lol you know I'm deftly afraid of scary movies....but I'll try damn it....and I'll always try - I'm a fighter. I caught a glimpse of a preview of a movie that came out a couple of years ago. I actually listened to it...then as I was hearing the voice-over, I turned my head to watch the preview.

"Wristcutters: A Love Story"

I was in complete awe. Here's the breakdown:

"Trapped in an alternate world populated by suicide victims, a band of souls tries to find an escape route in Goran Dukic's quirky fantasy. Although he took his own life, Zia (Patrick Fugit) isn't ready for such a grim hereafter, particularly when he learns that his ex-girlfriend also killed herself. On a quest to find her, he befriends a jaded hitchhiker and a Russian rocker, and together, they set out in search of a more appealing afterlife."

Trust me, the preview was far better. Imagine living in a world where everyone is dead, no one can smile, and everyone is there because they killed themselves. I completely find this concept fascinating and I HAVE to have this movie. I found it on Amazon, but I'm going to call Blockbuster in a few to see if they have it, then I can run down the street and pick it up.

I'm still sad from this week.

It's been tough.

But I'm getting better.

I really am.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

I'm druink...

...I know, I'm not suppose to start a post off with "i'm druink", right? Well I am.

guess what? I did something SOOO wreckelss tonight that it was fucking exhilarating!

I was invited out to north oakland tonight....ummm....Rockford? Rockhill? It was rock something...a nother typicla north cali town...looked all the fucking same to me. Anyway, I went to Zahcary's, a pizze joint but it was a New York style pizza place and it was the SHIT!!!!! My buddy met me there for a slice a few bottles of beer and afterwards, I took off to the city.
I wasn't suppose to go, but I was like, you know, whatever, wht the fuck else am I going to do? So I toook off there, met a friend and ahve a tone of beers and drove home.

This is the par t that I can't expain well.

Muy drive home at 4 am was intense. I could see everything and everyone around me. I was going 120 mph in a 55 mph zone. I scecrety prayed that the cops would catch me and pull over....guess what? I guess fate was on myside...I saw at least half a dozen cops pulling people over, but me? Nope. I just kpe t going. I even went 80 mph in a 35 mpz zone and i kept going, all the way back home. What should have been a 40 minute drive literaly took me 20 minutes. I BLED and BURNED all the way home, like there wasn't a thing tha tcould stop or slow me down. I was serving, sure of where I was and where I needed to be....it was beyond amazing. It was the most beautiful drive I had ever done....and I don't know why, but instead of slowing down, I just kept going faster and faster and faster and faster....I felt invincible....it truly was amazng.

Ok, I am tired and I need slep. I need to get up at 6 am for something. MOre on that later.

Love yall!!!!!!


MJ

My puppy doesn't seem right today...

I'm sitting here focusing on the computer, doing what I do everyday...fun. I'm typing out an email and I look over at Tic Tac....he's not right.

I stopped typing and just stared at him. He's a very rambunctious little guy, running around, saying hello to everyone, wanting you to play with him. But right now, he's not. He seems...I don't think he's sick. But he seems so sad. It's kind of hard to describe. Here, take a look:


It's almost as if he's crying...and I'm at a loss as to why. He just will not move. He was eating an hour ago like he normally does, but take a look at his face...he's just so sad looking. And it's killing me...I hate seeing my kid sad like that....fudge.

It's Morning....

I'm doing much better today. I'm steadily finding my center again. My thoughts are more calm, I'm relaxed...I'm accepting life as it is. All over again. I find it ironic that the title of my myspace blog is, "If I could do it all over again."

I'm surprised that I've been able to follow facets of the Buddhist faith. Maybe I was Buddhist all along and didn't know it. I'm going on day 5 with absolutely no appetite. You could shove the juiciest steak in front of me and I won't, can't, eat it. Thus far, I've been living off of hot chocolate, coffee, water, and various forms of alcohol. I repeat, I am not an alcoholic. I guess you can say that I'm cleansing myself.

I ran into a hurdle earlier this week and I can't remember if I wrote about it or not. My lease is up a month sooner than I thought so I'll need to move again. I've learned the area, in the mildest sense, but I don't know where to go.

I love my apartment complex, but there's a lot of memories there....it's a karma thing. I think it would be in my best interest to move and start all over again.

I don't have anything spectacular planned this weekend. I do know that I'll start my normal process of being WELL prepared before I move. I know I'm 2 1/2 moths ahead, but when I know that I'm moving, I pull out the trashbags and go to work. I did that when I moved up here from Huntington Beach...I got rid of so much stuff, it was outrageous. This time around, I'm pretty sure it's going to be clothes. I had to try on 3 shirts this morning before I found one that fit right. I guess this fasting thing must be working...the shirts were WAY too big, looked like I had flaps on my side. So I'll spend this morning minimizing my apartment.

I think, with the market the way it is, I can find something bigger for less, which is what I'm going to focus on. Maybe even a house. I looked on Craigslist yesterday and saw a few houses in the area that were $200 less than what I'm paying for an apartment. I would get my own driveway, my own garage, just my own space without having everyone around me. Maybe I could fix my damn bike and have it ready for the spring. Tic Tac would have a yard and I might get him a little sister to play with. I dunno.

Ok, that's all for now...need to get ready for the day.

MJ