Howdy

It must be Thanksgiving - the roads are empty as I can barely hear a car zoom by. I'm at work...yuppers, I have to work, and it's been interesting thus far.

I'm tired as I couldn't sleep at all yesterday. I booked my flight home for Christmas AND I booked another flight to SoCal because I have a corporate meeting next month....yay! A $1,000 bucks spent within 15 minutes of each other. That's always exciting, isn't it?

Well, I'm going to put my sarcasm aside and take a moment to thank a few people

I thank my family, friends, my co-workers....well, just about everything and everybody. When I pop open Yahoo and see the people around the world - not just the hungry and the homeless, but those people who are nowhere near our level of civility, due to whatever reasons - poor government rule, etc....well, makes my life not so miserable. Do NOT read into that as being pretentious. What I meant was that there are many people in this world who have no running water, do not have ANY concept of cable tv, etc - those things that we take for granted...bring them to the US and they'd be in a world that they've never known.

It truly makes my problems trivial. This is that time of the year when I'm thankful for the people I know and the life that I live. It's also the time of the year when I begin to reflect and well..you know that New Year's song...I don't know the name of it, but there's a line where it says, "Let old acquaintances be forgotten...." I hate that fucking line.

Absolutely hate it.

I'd rather not "forget" them. They've help me mold me to be the person I am now, to know that there better things in life...and somethings in life that you'll never let go. I don't ever regret the past...my past, the wrong that I have done, the right that I have done, and the people that I've encountered have truly molded me into who I am....but always remember, it's what you do from this point on that defines you. You're past only shapes you....your decisions now will be what makes you, it will be your defining moment.

Well, I'll write more tonight....I've been invited to a couple of places for Thanksgiving...but I think I'd like to just spend it alone at home....unless some hot girl wants to come over and kick it....then I'll have to reconsider....hahahaha sorry, I had to throw that last line in.

Ok, more later tonight.

MJ

A cold Bud.....

Hey there....so I cut my drinking down...well, does 1 day count? I drank a glass of wine last night and couldn't finish it - it was terrible.

Let's see, where do I start...works gotten decent, still a bit difficult, but a good challenge in every way.

The weekend was fun. I do mean FUN. hehehehe

Yesterday, I didn't do anything, not even any errands or chores. I took a seat on the couch, kicked it back with a cup of coffee and/or some hot chocolate, and put in Season 10 of Friends and watched most of it. I was so tired, I went to bed at 8:30, turned the TV onto the USA network and watched House for the next 4 hours - that show is tooooooo good.

Then I went to sleep.

I'm just not in the writing mood, but I had to write to let ya'll know what I've been up to, that I'm ok, and things are getting better. At least I hope they are.

Yes, I DO have a ton to write about in regards to my adventures (come on, did you seriously think that I wouldn't have any adventures? I got a freaking boatload). However, I don't feel that writing about it now would be that all great only because I'm not in the mood and ya'll know how I write - it's the best ever when I'm on my game and my game is OFF :)

I bought that movie Tropic Thunder today, so I'm going to grab a beer, do some laundry, and just kick it the rest of the night.

Late.

MJ

I was in San Ramon today....all day.....

....because I had some corporate meetings. I've been so tired lately, really haven't eaten anything. But my days are getting better. My apartment is a wreck only because I've had no time to clean it up. I won't have time till Saturday morning and when that day comes, I'll clean the living heck out of it.

Anyway, I wanted to write a quote down before I forgot it. I know the mantra that I live by now is what I go by...but there's another one...one that's so incredibly eloquent and by one of my most favorite authors. How I could have forgotten it is beyond me:

"What you do speaks so loudly, I can hardly hear what you say."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I left something out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man, i left this out and I wanted to write somethjing about it. I pass out after I get home around 1 pm and I wake up at 2 pm and i'm just mewssing around and watching tv and i noticed that i can't find skittles, my crazy cat. i look around and I hear her meowing like crazy, but I just ignore it cuz I'm thinking she' sjust runing around during her fucking crazy ass shit.

About an hour later and I'm done watching tv, I walk out to the balcony and I hear her meowing....but this time, it's OUTSIDE some where. I don't panic or nuthnin lik e that; I just grab tic tac and walk out to the side of the 3rd floor where I live and I"m looking around listeningt for her meowing.

I'm looking and i'm looking and i fiannly see her; she's on the ground floor. Of course I immeidately thyink to myslef, how the fuck did she get all tye way down there cuz we're on the 3rd floor. I grab tic tac and get on th eelevator and head down as qucik as I could. I get down to the patio where she's hiding and she's snuggled up, not moving, but crying like she hasn't seen her daddy in decades.

I feel horrible!

I pick her up and bring hjer back up to the arpartment and i gently set her down.

Uh oh.

She's limping.

I guess that 2 story fall down, she must have sprained her leg. She can walk around so I know nothings broken, but her leg must be hurting something awful.

If she doesn't get better by next week, I'll take her to the vet to get her xrayed.

The moral of the story?

Skittles, just as Tic Tac is, is like my child. As as my child, I would protect and defend her with my life. If she's injured, I'd give me blood to her to make sure she was ok.

I'd give my life.

And my daddy instincts came out...I needed to protect her. So whenI did bring her up, I cradled her in my arms for awhile to just let her know that daddy was here. She's ok now, but she'll need a few more days rest.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am the durnkorzx!

haha I just tried to read my title, but even I could not read it.

I've had a REALLY fucking shitty past few days which is why I haven't been as vociferous as before. Um, here's the breakdown. I left work early yesterayd? was it yesterday? I left at 12, got home at 1, started drinking, and I chilled the rest of the night.

I thoguht I was gettin better, but I can see now that I am not. I think I am trying ot hard and it's having an opposite effect. Regardless, I was suppose to hang with some peopel last night, but htat got fucking blown to hell. I got so upset and looking back, I should not have. But at the same time, it was a fucking ghetto ass lame excuse and although I should not have gotten angry, I will not apologizie. I have come to realize that I am a good, resonable person and when I fuck up, I will be jupming up and down to say im sorry. If i didn't fuck up, then fuck you, I'm nto saying FUCKIGN SHIT.

I got up this morning atnd at 9 am, started drinking. I'm beginning to see the signs now. I think I'm in trouble, but not sure yet. I stopped enough to go get a haircut - oh this is cool

My hairstylist speaks Farsi!!!!

Whty does this matter?

After my haircut, I hadEVER intention to go get ink. I didn't want something huge, just something that was very personal to me. I wn't get into detail;l because I just said wat I did - it's for ME...so don't bother fucking askine me what it was going to be.

I talked to my friend stephanie and she's getting some ink done next week in Texas. Then I talked to my bestest friend in the workd, Kassie, and she freaking GOT HELLA FUCKING MAD at me for even thinking about getting ink. I didnt argue with her, I just talked to her and.........sigh............she convinced me not to get it done. I'm still thnking about going back and getting it done.

It's my life. It's what I need.

If you could only step into my mind, you'd know how complex and frustrating I can be.

On the surface, I present one way....but get to know me....well...this sounds so arrogant....but I love talking to people smarter than me....only because one day, I plan on outsmarting them.

This isthe NUBMER ONE REASON why I know about so much bullshit. Ahem....ok, not bullshit, but information that is probably 100% completely irrelevant to you....but it means everythging to me.

Talk to me sometime....then I think you'll understand.

Ok, I am going to get some more wine, watch a movie, whatevers.

Maybe I'll get the ink tomorrow.

MJJJJJJJ! :) I m the durnkorsz!

It's 3 AM I must be lonely....

...you know the lyrics...from Matchbox 20's 3 AM. Well, it's not quite 3 AM, but it's early.

I drank a few glasses of wine last night and I was so tired and exhausted from the day that I went to bed at precisely 8:48 PM. I put on some music on my headphones, turned on the tv, set the sleeper time, and knocked the hell out.

I mean I fucking fell ASLEEP.

I got up about 30 minutes ago and my body was aching...yuck. Forced myself into the shower to warm up and I wanted to hit a post before I started getting ready for work.

I feel a little better this morning...kind of...not really. I have a marketing event that I'm hosting today and it's going to be a super long day for me. I'm looking at about a 12 to 14 hour day. If I'm lucky, I'll be home around 8 or 9 PM. I got on break on Friday, then I'm doing another similar event on Saturday. Although it won't be a 14 hour day, it'll be a long day nevertheless.

Sorry about my rant yesterday....I was just annoyed, that's all, but I'm over it. I'm in an industry where people literally complain all day and sometimes, it just wears me down. Yesterday was one of those days.

Alright, well, I'm going to fill up my coffee cup and kick it on the patio for a little while. It's really foggy today, so if you live up in NorCal, drive safe.

See ya'll....

MJ

Oh goodness....

I drank too much again. Ok, not that much. But enough to make me tired. It's not even fucking 8 o'clock yet.

Eek!

It's ok. I'm going to knock out.

Goodnight.


MJ

I'm on edge today...and I don't know why.

I have been on SUPER edge today. I'm popping off on EVERYONE and I can't figure out why. Everyone knows I can be firm, even aggressive, but today....today is the day that ALL my staff is keeping 100 feet away from me. They know I'm mad (but I can't explain why), they know I'm pissed, (but I can't explain why), they know that they better answer me very, very fast and the answer better be good or they might get their heads chewed off.

This side of me is extraordinarily uncharacteristic of me and very unbecoming. I just keep getting this nagging sensation over and over I don't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

I know we all have problems. My job is to deal with problems. And normally, I'll listen to problems and do my best to advise and guide people the right way.

No one ever bothers to ask me about MY problems.

I'm puzzled by the simple fact that so many damn people on this planet CLEARLY ENJOY MAKING THE SAME DAMN MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THEN CRY AND BITCH ABOUT MAKING THE PROBLEM.

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON CONTINUALLY MAKING PROBLEMS REPETITIVE?

YOU MADE THE PROBLEM AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE IT MINE??!!

WHY DO PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO STOP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

ARE THEY THAT STUPID?????~!!!!

For God's sake, wake the hell up and fix your shit.

If you're not happy in life, then you're CHOOSING to not be happy.

Sigh........

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Thanks....I needed to get that out.

Bye.

MJ

Exhausted. Lost my car.

It's about 7:30 AM....I got drunk again last night, fumbled home around midnight, can't remember changing clothes, and fell asleep.

I woke up, as usual, at 5 AM. Again, my eyes popped open and I never fell back asleep. I got up, made a cup of coffee and did my morning ritual, which consisted of quietly sitting on the patio, smoking a cigarette, sipping my coffee and just contemplating my day.

I got dressed, looked for my keys because I had left my gate key in my car. I walked out to the parking garage and...I lost my car. I couldn't remember where I had parked it. I went through 3 floors of the parking garage, up and down, with Tic Tac in tow, looking for my fucking car.

After 15 minutes, I finally found the fucker parked just one level up, but off to the side.

Hmmm.....I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I found it funny. I'm not doing anything tonight. I've decided that I'm going to just clean the living shit out of my apartment, which I started about 20 minutes ago. I'm not at work yet because I have to drop by a place this morning before I go in, which is going to make me 2 hours late than my normal schedule. Thus the early morning post. I have nothing to do for the next hour, so I thought I'd write a little bit here and try to get my day going.

Ok...forgetting where my car is, is not a good idea. I realize that now.

Sigh....more later.

I feel a little ill.....

I got home last night and started drinking immediately. Then I took a shower and went out and drank some more...yes, I'm very aware it was a Monday. Hey, I even ate a little bit. I think that's what made me sick.

But this isn't why I'm ill. I spoke to a friend of mine on the way home, a very good friend actually that I've known for years and she completely BLASTED me. I mean, she was yelling and screaming at me...why?

She said I was an alcoholic and she was pissed off at me.

I argued with her most of the way home.

She made some valid points and I really had to think about what she said. This is the part that made me a bit ill. The most valid point was, "MJ, birds of a feather flock together. A REAL friend tells you that you're drinking too much and you need to slow it down. A REAL friend doesn't encourage you to drink that much. A REAL friend DOES NOT support you when you respond back with, "J, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink too much." Her response?

"Yes you do. You hang out with people and all they do is drink. When one person drinks too much, they don't want to drink alone so they fucking drag you down. And you're only ok with it because guess what? YOU dont' want to drink alone either. You need to check your friends. If they live a lifestyle like yours, guess what? They think that it's ok because if they fuck up, you'll fuck up with them. What the hell is your problem M??!! This is not like you. You're smarter. Your friends pull this shit and you're ok with it? Maybe you can't see it. Maybe you think you're doing right. Thank god you have a fucking job and you're doing ok. Don't end up losing your job over this. Where are you friends going to be? Are they going to pay for your shit? Nope. Knock it off, ok?"

Sigh....she's right. But instead of me drinking more, I'll have my friends cut back too so they don't drink as much.

But J, you're right. Birds of a feather DO flock together. What was that quote? Oh yeah....misery loves company. I guess when you throw alcohol into the mix, what you can get sometimes is less of yourself. And when you're drinking with friends, it's even harder to see.

Then one day you'll wake up and see it.

And by then, it's too late.

Kinda cold.

I'm taking a slightly earlier lunch today. I forgot to mention something earlier, but the last week or so, I've been cold. Unusually cold. I was thinking it was alcohol related, but I'm not sure. I'm so cold, I'll stand in the shower for 30 minutes or run warm water over my hands just to warm up. I'm always bundled up and the heater is on. I know it's winter time, but I just can't seem to warm up at all.

I've gone through 5 cups of coffee and 2 cups of hot cocoa today and 3 cups of soup; this is really strange. Oh well.

I'm a bit tired too...physically, I just feel weird. Ugh.

I'm sure it's nothing a few glasses of wine can't fix.

That's the wrong answer, isn't it?

Monday....

I had a terrible night of sleep, tossing and turning through most of it. I didn't drink that much yesterday either, maybe a few glasses of wine.

My weekend was mediocre...I didn't feel like doing much during the day. I sat and played a few games, enjoyed the wine, watched a ton of movies, and took a couple of naps; I guess you can say it was the laziest of all the weekends I've ever had.

Well, no, that's not true...but this weekend, I just wasn't motivated to do much of anything.

I'm in the office and we're going to go through some major stuff this week and looking at my schedule, it won't let up till....the first of next month. But this is ok. I need to stay busy anyway. Helps me keep my mind off of things.

My fasting took a minor break over the weekend....I ate about 4 oz of food...heh...I know, this isn't necessarily good for me....all my clothes are too big...but at this rate, I'll have 6 pack abs in about 2 weeks, so there's that give-off.

Also, I've gone ahead and decided to get ink. Not the type of ink that's so obnoxious, I want to show it off to everyone.

I want to get ink to represent my life. It'll be...well, after I get it done, I'll show you.

9 words that represent my life and everything about me. I'm broken right now and I know it. This is one of the ways I will fix myself. Permanently.

I have to get to work...I'll post something at my lunch break.

Take care.

Wristcutters....a love story...

WTF....Shit, I got a lot to write about.

First of all, thanks for not giving me shit over last night. It really was a blur. I should not have done what I did. It was....well, driving while drunk is never, EVER an option. So if I offended you, I'm sorry. I just needed that exhilaration, that rush. It's a one time thing, I assure you.

I knocked out so hard at around 4 AM...but I got up at 6 AM. I think, I KNOW, I'm the only person that I know of that can get up after 2 hours of sleep, being hella fucking drunk the night before, and be completely fine and ready to go for the day. Yup, I can do this. It's a talent.

I will admit, I'm a slightly bit worried....I'll explain in a second. But lemme tell you why I was up so early. I saw an ad at Walmart a couple of days ago; they had a sale on a specific laptop for only $300 bucks. I had bought an IBook about...um...2 or 3 weeks ago as a Christmas present, but I returned that earlier this week. I took the $2,500 and said I'd just put it aside...well, $2k of it, the remaining $500, I was going to play with. I was wanting the laptop, but when I got there, there was already a line and I missed out.

Guess what?

I was ok with it. I had WANTED the laptop, but didn't desire it. I guess my mantra of "If I do not desire, I will not suffer" fit in just nicely. I shrugged it off, bought some normal stuff like toothpaste, etc, and left.

I got home and started to hella clean...as a matter of fact, I'm taking a break from it now. Here's my problem...instead of stirring up that hot cup of coffee that I normally drink, I....sigh....*deep inhale*....I grabbed a bottle of Noir sitting on my counter, poured myself a glass, and started to drink.

I've never drank at 8:30 in the morning before.

Fuck.

So I'm taking a break and at Walmart I picked up 3 scary movies....no one's ever heard of them before, I'm sure, but I just needed something in front of me to take my mind off of things.

I put in....Mulberry St...it's a horror flick...lol you know I'm deftly afraid of scary movies....but I'll try damn it....and I'll always try - I'm a fighter. I caught a glimpse of a preview of a movie that came out a couple of years ago. I actually listened to it...then as I was hearing the voice-over, I turned my head to watch the preview.

"Wristcutters: A Love Story"

I was in complete awe. Here's the breakdown:

"Trapped in an alternate world populated by suicide victims, a band of souls tries to find an escape route in Goran Dukic's quirky fantasy. Although he took his own life, Zia (Patrick Fugit) isn't ready for such a grim hereafter, particularly when he learns that his ex-girlfriend also killed herself. On a quest to find her, he befriends a jaded hitchhiker and a Russian rocker, and together, they set out in search of a more appealing afterlife."

Trust me, the preview was far better. Imagine living in a world where everyone is dead, no one can smile, and everyone is there because they killed themselves. I completely find this concept fascinating and I HAVE to have this movie. I found it on Amazon, but I'm going to call Blockbuster in a few to see if they have it, then I can run down the street and pick it up.

I'm still sad from this week.

It's been tough.

But I'm getting better.

I really am.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

I'm druink...

...I know, I'm not suppose to start a post off with "i'm druink", right? Well I am.

guess what? I did something SOOO wreckelss tonight that it was fucking exhilarating!

I was invited out to north oakland tonight....ummm....Rockford? Rockhill? It was rock something...a nother typicla north cali town...looked all the fucking same to me. Anyway, I went to Zahcary's, a pizze joint but it was a New York style pizza place and it was the SHIT!!!!! My buddy met me there for a slice a few bottles of beer and afterwards, I took off to the city.
I wasn't suppose to go, but I was like, you know, whatever, wht the fuck else am I going to do? So I toook off there, met a friend and ahve a tone of beers and drove home.

This is the par t that I can't expain well.

Muy drive home at 4 am was intense. I could see everything and everyone around me. I was going 120 mph in a 55 mph zone. I scecrety prayed that the cops would catch me and pull over....guess what? I guess fate was on myside...I saw at least half a dozen cops pulling people over, but me? Nope. I just kpe t going. I even went 80 mph in a 35 mpz zone and i kept going, all the way back home. What should have been a 40 minute drive literaly took me 20 minutes. I BLED and BURNED all the way home, like there wasn't a thing tha tcould stop or slow me down. I was serving, sure of where I was and where I needed to be....it was beyond amazing. It was the most beautiful drive I had ever done....and I don't know why, but instead of slowing down, I just kept going faster and faster and faster and faster....I felt invincible....it truly was amazng.

Ok, I am tired and I need slep. I need to get up at 6 am for something. MOre on that later.

Love yall!!!!!!


MJ

My puppy doesn't seem right today...

I'm sitting here focusing on the computer, doing what I do everyday...fun. I'm typing out an email and I look over at Tic Tac....he's not right.

I stopped typing and just stared at him. He's a very rambunctious little guy, running around, saying hello to everyone, wanting you to play with him. But right now, he's not. He seems...I don't think he's sick. But he seems so sad. It's kind of hard to describe. Here, take a look:


It's almost as if he's crying...and I'm at a loss as to why. He just will not move. He was eating an hour ago like he normally does, but take a look at his face...he's just so sad looking. And it's killing me...I hate seeing my kid sad like that....fudge.

It's Morning....

I'm doing much better today. I'm steadily finding my center again. My thoughts are more calm, I'm relaxed...I'm accepting life as it is. All over again. I find it ironic that the title of my myspace blog is, "If I could do it all over again."

I'm surprised that I've been able to follow facets of the Buddhist faith. Maybe I was Buddhist all along and didn't know it. I'm going on day 5 with absolutely no appetite. You could shove the juiciest steak in front of me and I won't, can't, eat it. Thus far, I've been living off of hot chocolate, coffee, water, and various forms of alcohol. I repeat, I am not an alcoholic. I guess you can say that I'm cleansing myself.

I ran into a hurdle earlier this week and I can't remember if I wrote about it or not. My lease is up a month sooner than I thought so I'll need to move again. I've learned the area, in the mildest sense, but I don't know where to go.

I love my apartment complex, but there's a lot of memories there....it's a karma thing. I think it would be in my best interest to move and start all over again.

I don't have anything spectacular planned this weekend. I do know that I'll start my normal process of being WELL prepared before I move. I know I'm 2 1/2 moths ahead, but when I know that I'm moving, I pull out the trashbags and go to work. I did that when I moved up here from Huntington Beach...I got rid of so much stuff, it was outrageous. This time around, I'm pretty sure it's going to be clothes. I had to try on 3 shirts this morning before I found one that fit right. I guess this fasting thing must be working...the shirts were WAY too big, looked like I had flaps on my side. So I'll spend this morning minimizing my apartment.

I think, with the market the way it is, I can find something bigger for less, which is what I'm going to focus on. Maybe even a house. I looked on Craigslist yesterday and saw a few houses in the area that were $200 less than what I'm paying for an apartment. I would get my own driveway, my own garage, just my own space without having everyone around me. Maybe I could fix my damn bike and have it ready for the spring. Tic Tac would have a yard and I might get him a little sister to play with. I dunno.

Ok, that's all for now...need to get ready for the day.

MJ

I just got home.......

....I spent most of the day...well...you see my blog posts.....I posted like crazy in the morning. There are times when I need to get things off my chest and I'd rather write it down...this way, no one has to listen, no one has to talk back...I just want to speak without anyone talking back...I just want to be heard.

I wanted to start a post earlier this evening...I drank too much last night and just passed out. Yeah, I'm drinking again. A lot. I have a movie on and I've got 5 bottles of wine waiting in front of me.

Thank you for not calling me an alcoholic...I'm not. But when you come from where I am...well, a drink or two or 10 helps. We're all from different backgrounds and have different reasons for our misery.

But I'm not miserable.

I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. I know my own M.O. I know, from my past, what I'm going to do next. And it sucks. I like it here.

Maybe for once, I'll stick it out.

Maybe I need to take a vacation.

I don't know. I've been so confused lately. But I know me well enough...I'm steady...and I'll be able to handle what comes my way.

Just did not want to do it alone.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

I have no more hate in my heart.

Hate is such a strong word. It's an even stronger emotion.

It's a waste.

I no longer have hate in my heart, I no longer have anger in my soul.

I truly am too compassionate. I respect myself too much for it.

It reminds me a lot of that song Scars:

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"

I am very much a human being. I just do not have anymore room in my heart for pain, anger, hate, frustration.

I'm at peace.

The definition of my quote above....

"Some things change to move us, some things change to keep us exactly where we are."

I read this to myself when I got onto my blog. I thought it through. I thought of this one day on the drive home. It's so true....I'll explain it:

There are things in our life that makes us change what we do. Sometimes, it opens doors for us that are scary, but are very much real. And then there are things that change, another door opening, that puts us right back where we started; because we were afraid. We allow the change to move us back to where we were.

The people with fear, with self-doubt...they wait for that change to move them back. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is. Imagine something awesome in front of you. Imagine it to be something you've always wanted in your life. Then you start thinking a little bit and it begins to make you nervous. And then, even a little more nervous.

At this point, you have a choice; stand your ground and move forward or cower and start taking steps back. I think it's safe to say that 99% of us cower and take a step back...we're all afraid of change.

I am not.

It's the 99% that decide to step back that have the difficulty of living a fruitful life. They want to go back to their misery and pain. They pass up that beautiful and bold adventure in front of them.

I do not.

I'm not afraid.

But this is ok...it's their choice. It's their life. Go back to doing what you've always wanted to do. This is perfectly fine and if you're happy, why not? If I was a lesser person, I would be condescending, but I won't, because I'm not a lesser person. And I don't want to be judgemental. In fact, I'll support your decisions. If you're happy, then nothing else matters.

So now you see what that quote means....move forward or stay behind.

I'm different now. I had a defining moment.

Obviously this week has been horrendous for me. I was home last night, drinking wine and talking to friends...and I admit, I had too much. I crashed into bed at 11 PM and I don't ever remember falling asleep. I had a semi-nightmare and I can't remember much about it. What I do know is that about 3 AM, my eye's just opened. Nothing dramatic. I just woke up.

I got up, made a cup of coffee, put on a sweater, and sat out on my patio with a cigarette, looking up at the stars...I had missed my stars...haven't seen them in awhile. I made a wish, which I try to do every night (I know, I can be a softy sometimes). I've made the exact same wish since I was a kid, changing it every so often. I changed it last night and said, "I wish for xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, to be safe and happy." Most people wish for things for themselves. Not this time. In my heart, I made a wish for someone else. :-)

I felt different. As if something just kind of came over me. I said to myself, "If I do not desire, I will not suffer," which I think I've said this to myself probably over a 1,000 times this week. And that's when it clicked. You say something long enough, you begin to believe it. The polar opposite of that being, if you lie long enough, you'll even begin to believe your own lies.

I was lying to myself. I just woke up and clearly chose to no longer suffer. I think at that point, I came to realize that with all my excessive thinking in the past week, I began to believe what I was saying.

If I do not desire, I will not suffer.

I know that I have made so many awful mistakes in my past. I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't know that what I was doing was hurting so many people. I lost as many friends as I had made.

No, I'm not going religious. This doesn't have anything to do with religion.

I guess what I'm trying to clearly state is this; the awful things I have done have been returned to me. Each terrible thing, has come back.

It's clear...it's karma. I did wrong. Wrong has come to reclaim what's rightfully hers.

I will not do terrible things anymore.

I will show kindness and compassion, which has always been in my nature.

I will do right.

I will support and stand my ground.

I will let people know that I mean no harm. My intentions will always be pure.

I often think to myself how my life would have been if I had stuck to this earlier. Maybe I wouldn't have been hurting so bad.

I cannot change the past...but I can change my life from this point on.

If I do not desire, I will not suffer.

I think I'm turning into a Buddhist more and more everyday. There's only a singular concern and that's with the 8 Truths. One of them, essentially states specifically no drinking.

Hmmm....this one will be more of a challenge.

What matters to me the most is that I find peace and love in my heart. If I cannot love myself, then how can I love anybody else?

Oh, there is one more aspect about Buddhism....fasting.

I love food. But I would like to try this. Actually, I started this past Monday. It doesn't state how long you have to fast...it just states that you do it. I haven't eaten since Monday. We'll see how that one goes (But good God I'm craving Taco Bell and MacDonalds lol).

I hope you have a good day.

I know I will certainly try.

MJ

I've had too much to drink...

To my friends that know me in real life and you're checking up on me....I'm ok....I'm alive....give me time, ok? Please? I love ya'll....you're my friends....I'd go to the end of the world of ya'll....forgive me for disappearing or not returning phone calls.

It's safe to say that I'm drunk again. I drink too much. I know this. I think it would be in my best interest to stop or slow down.

I promise you this....my drinking will not change who I am. I will stay honest, I will stay true to myself and who I am.

It's only 8:11PM and I'm already exhausted so I will probably go to bed. I just need to close my eyes.

Tic Tac says goodnite....good God...my puppy is so good...he loves me and looks at me...I can almost see it in his eyes....he's saying, "Daddy...it's ok, I love you."

It kills me.

This is why I spoil my dog.

I'd spoil my other dog if I could.....

If I could....

To my friends...I love ya'll...I hope ya'll are safe and doing well. I'll pick up the phone one day. I promise.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

Made it home ok.

I made it home ok...drove up, checked the mail, which I have tons of...parked the car, walked into the apartment...peeled off my work clothes, pulled out all the wine I got from Bevmo, warmed up the computer, poured a heavy pour of some Noir, turned on the TV....and here I am.

I'm doing this blog, drinking some wine, watching a movie. It's called Definitely, Maybe. And I really like it.

The movie is so sweet....It's a romantic comedy. I know right? You'd think I'd be the last person on this earth watching a movie like this. I like all movies. I have preferences...but I don't mind watching flicks like this. Makes me smile sometimes. And I could use anything right now to make me smile.

I think a couple of posts down, I had written, at the end, "If I do not desire, I will not suffer" as my ending tagline. I spent a lot of today thinking. I was looking back at my memories from when I was a kid, following a timeline all the way up to now. I was looking at my most happiest moments. And my most sad moments.

You know, it's funny....I do things in my life and sometimes, certain things, places, smells...they bring back memories of people.

I'll firmly believe in my tagline. Those sad moments? Because I had desired.

The suffering is not worth it anymore.

So I have to stop the desire.

I have a good job. I have my kids, Tic Tac and Skittles. I have my family.

There's not much more I need.

I'll lead a good life. I'll do right. I'll help those around me that need it.

And I'll never ask for anything in return.

But I will ask God to have patience with me and to please forgive me when I mess up.

Don't worry, this is not me giving up.

I never give up. I'm a fighter. Always have been.

I'm just tired. Really tired.

It's me accepting the fact that there is no one.

It's me understanding this. I'm smiling right now.

Be happy for me, ok?

This is all that I have left.

This is what I will be.

This is my life.

This is my happy ending.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

Just trying to understand....

I'm just trying to understand. I think that's why my heart is so heavy. Why would someone that loves me, lie to me? There's reasons for everything and I guess this is my way of finding my own answers because I will never know. I did some looking up on the internet and found some interesting quotes....it's helping me to cope. It's helping me to understand.

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

“Lying is done with words and also with silence.”

“We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.”

“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes.”


I truly believe I wrote what I did from my earlier posts because of this. I'm not a very good liar and when I do lie, it's not often. I just don't want to lie to anyone, ever. I don't even want to speak a half truth. I want to find dignity, honesty, and integrity within my being.

I want to be the better person.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Ever.

An option.

I'm taking a quick lunch break and I felt like writing again. I can't seem to stop writing for some reason. I just write and write and write. I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I guess I had a lot on my mind...and sometimes, I just want someone to listen. It's terrible I don't have my best friend anymore. It's pretty shitty actually.

I was walking down the hallway at work and I realized I was an option. You know that saying, "Don't make someone your priority when you're only an option to them."

I was an option.

It hurts thinking about that.

But it is what it is.

"If I do not desire, I will not suffer."

My head hurts....

....my head always seems to hurt.

So does my heart.

Um....I don't want to get into details. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I am nothing.

I have no hate in my heart. I wondered to myself why. The only answer I could find was that I am compassionate.

I care too much. I wish no ill-will on anyone. Maybe it has to do with karma. I just do not have it in my heart to hate, to be angry....to be a horrible person.

I've read up so much on karma and yin and yang and Buddhism, you would think I was a walking library.

I've chosen, right this second, to follow the rules listed below to lead my life. I've followed most of them, but I've never written them down. If I write it, then I have to follow it.

1 - I will never lie. I will never tell a half truth. I will always be true to myself and to you.
2 - I will never cheat. At the end of the day, I would only be hurting myself and those around me.
3 - I will never steal. Why take something that does not belong to me. I've worked hard and earned everything I have.
4 - I will not desire. Desire leads to suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore

There are only 4 rules and I've followed all of them in my life, having lapses every so often (with the exception of the cheating. I've NEVER in my life cheated on a girlfriend. And I will NEVER do it. I'm proud to have been able to stay steady).

Yes, I'm very broken right now.

I feel like I am very much....nothing.

Sometimes, even less than nothing.

And I know in my heart, I do not deserve this.

I have not been perfect in my life. But I must have done things to have this happen to me.

I'll lead a good life now and I'll do it by making sure to pay it forward.

But I won't desire anymore.

I just can't stand the suffering.

I can't.

Still not ready to tell you about Problem #2. But I will tell you THIS...

...I'm starting to delve into the world of religions and faith again. More specifically, I'm finding Buddhism, Yin & Yang, and Karma more and more interesting.

I'm reading more and trying to understand better, much better, only because Buddhism, Yin & Yang, and Karma are not religions or religious relics, although some people do define Buddhism as a religion.

I'm choosing to read up and follow them for because they are a way of life. You will NEVER see someone dressed in an expensive, three-piece suit, perfectly white teeth, immaculate hair, on a Sunday morning show explaining why I'll go to hell if I don't give them 10% of my paycheck. I don't like speaking about religion; it opens things to argument. I don't mind arguing...I'll win. The point is that it is...

"...a way of life."

I've become interested in Buddhism, or more specifically Zen Buddhism, because it relays the message that, "...life is permeated with suffering caused by desire, that suffering ceases when desire ceases, and that enlightenment obtained through right conduct, wisdom, and mediatation releases one from desire, suffering, and rebirth."

Exactly.

My recent anxiety is just that to an extent. I have a desire. It weighs heavy on my heart. Get rid of the desire and my suffering stops. Very simple concept. Much more difficult to achieve.

I've always been a HUGE believer in Yin & Yang...to have one thing occur, it does not matter what that is, there will be a different outcome. Some good, some bad. But find someway to meet in the middle, then you have a perfect balance, which is what we all what to achieve. I'll write more about this one.

And lastly, there's Karma.

This one is just flat out scary. It works to such an effect...but none of us really think about it. I had a friend down south in the OC that was just having the hardest time of his life. He felt it was Karma....something that he had done wrong that was haunting him. He couldn't figure out what he had done, even after spending months looking and looking. And during that time, his life got worse and worse. He stopped trying to figure it out. He went to church, released his bad karma, and started fresh. After he went to church, and because I knew him pretty well, I helped him identify several things that may have been coming back to him.

He was lying often to his girlfriend, as a matter of fact, dumbfuck cheated on her twice (she left him which I applauded her - yeah, I know he's my friend, but somethings in life are simply wrong. Period. I still supported him as a friend though). He wrecked his car...he drank too much.

I remember, he looked me in the eye, understood what I was saying, and went back to church that following afternoon.

We met up for dinner that night and he realized that I was right. It was not a SINGLE act that condemned him. It was root of multiple acts that had finally found him.

As people say, karma is a bitch.

He's ok now, at least I think haha.

But that's not the complete definition of Karma...at least not for me.

Ok, I gotta go back to work - more later!

MJ

Something still isn't right...

I woke up this morning, well aware of the hour change....and I felt weird. The day just felt weird. I've had a lot of emotions, excessive thinking, essentially driving myself crazy in repetitive thought. I wonder sometimes why I do this and I have a very good answer.

Just like everybody on this planet, everyone's played chess at least once in their life. Some people like it and continue to play while others scoff and walk away. Then you have the casual people that play it off and on.

I'm the one in the middle, playing it online every so often. I never play anyone with a lower ranking than myself; I ALWAYS play someone with a significantly higher ranking. You kind of know why I do this already. And your reasoning is probably correct.

I remember being a little kid playing against the computer. I think at one point, my win/loss ratio was at about 10 to 4,403,405,040. Something along those lines. I wasn't very good. I was quite awful actually.

But looking back, what I sacrificed in those losses has clearly impacted in who I am now, or more specifically, how it has really affected my modality in regards to my thought processes. I truly believe this is a huge indicator of my anxiety levels going whacko.

Whenever I have a problem, I view it as a chess match.

I look at the variables. It's almost statistical, several what/if questions, movements to the what/if questions in response, etc.

I'll put it this way. You stand up and walk left...what do you do next? Well, only YOU would know that. In my mind, as I observe, I think as such:

"You've stood up and you're walking left. What are you going to do next? Well;
1 - go towards the bathroom
2 - go towards the kitchen
3 - go towards the front door"

But my anxiety levels can rapidly increase because as where most people will stop here, I take it even further...this is where the analogy of playing Chess comes in...this is how chess players win; they anticipate the end of the game before it's even started, they're aware of the final move before the first one even takes place.

And this is how I solve my problems, and it's a huge factor for me especially at work, and in my personal life. I watch, observe, listen, begin piecing things together.

Hmmm.....lemme try explaining it this way (I love giving examples lol):

Problem #1. Action #1. Problem #2. Action #4. Action #8. Action #6. Problem #5.

I look at the above and sort them out. See how the the action is the same? The difference is in the numbers. Even then, they are not sequential.

So I group the problems together and then the actions together.

(this is how I solve a lot of "people" related problems...of course that's related to just about everything as we deal with people everyday).

I observe. I pay attention. I pay SEVERE attention. Small words, actions...etc. It's amazing what I've taught myself to see through...I've gotten very good with reading half-truths as well. I know, that's contradictory to my previous two posts and my lapse in judgement there was that I simply let my guard down. Not to worry; it's back up now.

I throw in minor variables...like, "Wait a minute...that's not how he normally responds...what's going on there?"

And by playing this game in my head, I can solve problems, guess what the outcome is going to be, and should the problem-maker take a sharp detour from my thinking, well guess what? This is chess...I'll have an entirely set of moves/directions in a moment.

I hate to think dealing with people problems is like minimizing them to a game...it's not. It's simply the best analogy I could use.

So, this is why I've had such high anxiety in the last few weeks.

Let's recap: (read my earlier posts or the following will make no sense to you whatsoever)

#1 - My "instincts" have clearly picked up on the fact that there are problems right now that I have not been able to clearly identify. I see them. The little things. Now I'm piecing them together and playing the chess game in my head.

#2 - Half-truths are lies. Period. I've fixed myself of this shit problem REAL fast. I've decided that the next time I pick up on it, I will most likely have ZERO patience or tolerance for it.

#3 - I need wine.

haha!

There's actually a #3 and a #4.

I haven't written about problem #2 yet because I'm trying to calm down a bit from problem #1. I can safely say that because of problem #1, it truly has re-heightened my guard about half-truths. And this is not a bad thing.

Ok, I'm tired...going to watch some football or a movie or something. More later.

MJ

I was about to leave.....

.....to go do my errands, but it started pouring! FUCK! lol it's ok. It's almost 12:30 in the afternoon, it's cold, raining...I love it...LOVE this weather...I need my GF here, a fireplace, my kids, some soothing music, and a glass or two of wine...

Wait a minute...I got the wine and one of the kids lol

I've been downloading different music lately....a ton of Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald...they don't make'em like those two women anymore....this is REAL music by the way...no discs, no scratching, no turning...it's only a voice, a piano, and maybe a few horns...wow, now THIS is music... :-)

Hmmm....

MJ

An Epilogue (from my previous post).

I meant to follow up last night on my post from the day before, but by the time I got home, I was exhausted and I just wanted to sit in silence. I didn't have a spectacular day and it progressively got worse. It would be much easier if I didn't go into detail, but I can say that my anxiety levels, instead of decreasing, actually increased again (why do some of my employees just not GET IT??!). And to cap it off, on my way home, I spoke to a friend and he and I got into a "discussion" about my previous blog post.

Thus the need for an Epilogue.

Well, even before I begin my post, let me preface it with this; I got my sorry ass up about a little bit ago after laying in bed, playing with Tic Tac, and forced myself out of bed, made some coffee, took a shower, got on the phone to order something, drank more coffee, and now I'm here... Exciting huh? Yeah. I went to bed around 1o PM last night...I just didn't feel right....more specifically, I was tired, just super tired and I wanted to lay down and sleep.

Alright, so let's start:

(I love my dog...he knows his daddy is sad right now and he hopped onto my lap. I LOVE my dog.)

I'm driving home last night, still reeling from my thoughts from the day before (you know it because it's all in the post I made).

So, I'm on the phone and we got into...gosh, I can't even really call it a debate, or even a discussion...it was a very light, simplistic defining conversation of my post. He made it evident that after reading my post, it wasn't about work really or co-workers, although they played a major role in exacerbating it; it was the resounding situation, message, voice, deliverance, whatever you would like to call it, that left the mark on me, to the point that it's almost a scar.

We reconstructed and then deconstructed the entire situation and we agreed it boiled down to this:

I was told the truth. But it was not the complete truth. But it was still the truth. At this point, can it still BE the truth? Our response was the same; "No." It cannot be considered the truth because had the WHOLE truth been told, then two instances/situations would happen:

Number 1 - the half-truth statement would not be the same, it would not hold the identical structure when said completely, in it's entirety; it simply would not mean the same.

Number 2 - the half-truth would have a specific outcome, a positive, complacent outcome. People only speak half-truths because by doing so, there would be a positive, complacent outcome - by telling the entire truth, the outcome would turn to a negative one.

Speak half the truth and all is good.

Speak the full truth and all is not good.

I actually stopped and thought about this conversation, and then back played in regards to my co-worker.

And I was absolutely right. My reasoning, logic, was correct.

I then contemplated WHY my department head would boldy lie to me, to tell me a half-truth...what was she so scared of? What fear did she have? Losing her job? Being disciplined? What was it? I shook my head and sighed...here I am, showing my department head the highest level of kindness, of respect, showing her that even though I'm not her friend per se, I AM a good manager, that I could be counted on to help, to do what I could do so she could succeed and be the best department head I had.

What was she so afraid that I would think? What was she so afraid that I'd find out?

Then the light bulb went off in my head. As you know, I wrote earlier that I had internal problem at work and it kept popping up all the time.

I would like to repeat, "What was she so afraid that I would think? What was she so afraid that I'd find out? Why was she so afraid. Period."

Then I knew.

I knew, that with identifying the half-truth, it would open up a pandora's box. The puzzling things happening at the office would all make sense. It would come together. Why certain things were coming up missing, why certain information was incorrectly being passed on...she told the half-truth to so many people and in turn, they perpetuated the half-truths...they trusted her and assumed she was telling the full truth. They were an accessory and didn't mean to be.

I find it frustrating just writing about it now.

Luckily, and this is me NOT having anxiety, but finding my center as a manager of so many people...I have the solution.

I'll talk to Bree. I will ask her, one last time, if she was my internal leak.

She'll give me 1 of 2 answers; the right one or the wrong one.

If it's the right answer, I'll smile, thank her, and doing what I can to help her.

If it's the wrong answer...then I'll be disappointed...not in her...but in myself. Disappointed in myself because I wasn't able to save her.

While my bud and I were talking, he asked a question to me that caught me off guard. I had touched upon it earlier, but didn't really think about it:

"MJ, now that we have this shit cleared up, what did your instinct tell you? I'm only asking because, well, you know dude, I think you already knew the answer" he said.

He was right.

I had completely forgotten about my "instinct." My gut instinct. My instinct had told me a long time ago that something was wrong and to delve deeper into the problem. He simply reinforced the fact that sometimes, I don't need to go into fact finding (in this case, with HR and Legal involved, I didn't really have much of a choice). He reinforced the fact that I just need to go into my instincts. Because, quoting him, "As long as I've known you dude...you're the ONE person I know who has instincts that even I would follow..."

This meant a lot to me. I should have just followed my instincts. I knew I was right.

And from this point on, that's exactly what I'll do. And I'm positive my instincts will help me find a solution to Problem #2.

So there you have it. My epilogue from my previous post. Believe it or not, it feels good to be able to write about it here. It's relieved my tension and anxiety, and I'm happy about this.

One down, two more to go.

Excuse me, have to go run errands now.

MJ