I'm different now. I had a defining moment.

Obviously this week has been horrendous for me. I was home last night, drinking wine and talking to friends...and I admit, I had too much. I crashed into bed at 11 PM and I don't ever remember falling asleep. I had a semi-nightmare and I can't remember much about it. What I do know is that about 3 AM, my eye's just opened. Nothing dramatic. I just woke up.

I got up, made a cup of coffee, put on a sweater, and sat out on my patio with a cigarette, looking up at the stars...I had missed my stars...haven't seen them in awhile. I made a wish, which I try to do every night (I know, I can be a softy sometimes). I've made the exact same wish since I was a kid, changing it every so often. I changed it last night and said, "I wish for xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, to be safe and happy." Most people wish for things for themselves. Not this time. In my heart, I made a wish for someone else. :-)

I felt different. As if something just kind of came over me. I said to myself, "If I do not desire, I will not suffer," which I think I've said this to myself probably over a 1,000 times this week. And that's when it clicked. You say something long enough, you begin to believe it. The polar opposite of that being, if you lie long enough, you'll even begin to believe your own lies.

I was lying to myself. I just woke up and clearly chose to no longer suffer. I think at that point, I came to realize that with all my excessive thinking in the past week, I began to believe what I was saying.

If I do not desire, I will not suffer.

I know that I have made so many awful mistakes in my past. I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't know that what I was doing was hurting so many people. I lost as many friends as I had made.

No, I'm not going religious. This doesn't have anything to do with religion.

I guess what I'm trying to clearly state is this; the awful things I have done have been returned to me. Each terrible thing, has come back.

It's clear...it's karma. I did wrong. Wrong has come to reclaim what's rightfully hers.

I will not do terrible things anymore.

I will show kindness and compassion, which has always been in my nature.

I will do right.

I will support and stand my ground.

I will let people know that I mean no harm. My intentions will always be pure.

I often think to myself how my life would have been if I had stuck to this earlier. Maybe I wouldn't have been hurting so bad.

I cannot change the past...but I can change my life from this point on.

If I do not desire, I will not suffer.

I think I'm turning into a Buddhist more and more everyday. There's only a singular concern and that's with the 8 Truths. One of them, essentially states specifically no drinking.

Hmmm....this one will be more of a challenge.

What matters to me the most is that I find peace and love in my heart. If I cannot love myself, then how can I love anybody else?

Oh, there is one more aspect about Buddhism....fasting.

I love food. But I would like to try this. Actually, I started this past Monday. It doesn't state how long you have to fast...it just states that you do it. I haven't eaten since Monday. We'll see how that one goes (But good God I'm craving Taco Bell and MacDonalds lol).

I hope you have a good day.

I know I will certainly try.

MJ