Something still isn't right...

I woke up this morning, well aware of the hour change....and I felt weird. The day just felt weird. I've had a lot of emotions, excessive thinking, essentially driving myself crazy in repetitive thought. I wonder sometimes why I do this and I have a very good answer.

Just like everybody on this planet, everyone's played chess at least once in their life. Some people like it and continue to play while others scoff and walk away. Then you have the casual people that play it off and on.

I'm the one in the middle, playing it online every so often. I never play anyone with a lower ranking than myself; I ALWAYS play someone with a significantly higher ranking. You kind of know why I do this already. And your reasoning is probably correct.

I remember being a little kid playing against the computer. I think at one point, my win/loss ratio was at about 10 to 4,403,405,040. Something along those lines. I wasn't very good. I was quite awful actually.

But looking back, what I sacrificed in those losses has clearly impacted in who I am now, or more specifically, how it has really affected my modality in regards to my thought processes. I truly believe this is a huge indicator of my anxiety levels going whacko.

Whenever I have a problem, I view it as a chess match.

I look at the variables. It's almost statistical, several what/if questions, movements to the what/if questions in response, etc.

I'll put it this way. You stand up and walk left...what do you do next? Well, only YOU would know that. In my mind, as I observe, I think as such:

"You've stood up and you're walking left. What are you going to do next? Well;
1 - go towards the bathroom
2 - go towards the kitchen
3 - go towards the front door"

But my anxiety levels can rapidly increase because as where most people will stop here, I take it even further...this is where the analogy of playing Chess comes in...this is how chess players win; they anticipate the end of the game before it's even started, they're aware of the final move before the first one even takes place.

And this is how I solve my problems, and it's a huge factor for me especially at work, and in my personal life. I watch, observe, listen, begin piecing things together.

Hmmm.....lemme try explaining it this way (I love giving examples lol):

Problem #1. Action #1. Problem #2. Action #4. Action #8. Action #6. Problem #5.

I look at the above and sort them out. See how the the action is the same? The difference is in the numbers. Even then, they are not sequential.

So I group the problems together and then the actions together.

(this is how I solve a lot of "people" related problems...of course that's related to just about everything as we deal with people everyday).

I observe. I pay attention. I pay SEVERE attention. Small words, actions...etc. It's amazing what I've taught myself to see through...I've gotten very good with reading half-truths as well. I know, that's contradictory to my previous two posts and my lapse in judgement there was that I simply let my guard down. Not to worry; it's back up now.

I throw in minor variables...like, "Wait a minute...that's not how he normally responds...what's going on there?"

And by playing this game in my head, I can solve problems, guess what the outcome is going to be, and should the problem-maker take a sharp detour from my thinking, well guess what? This is chess...I'll have an entirely set of moves/directions in a moment.

I hate to think dealing with people problems is like minimizing them to a game...it's not. It's simply the best analogy I could use.

So, this is why I've had such high anxiety in the last few weeks.

Let's recap: (read my earlier posts or the following will make no sense to you whatsoever)

#1 - My "instincts" have clearly picked up on the fact that there are problems right now that I have not been able to clearly identify. I see them. The little things. Now I'm piecing them together and playing the chess game in my head.

#2 - Half-truths are lies. Period. I've fixed myself of this shit problem REAL fast. I've decided that the next time I pick up on it, I will most likely have ZERO patience or tolerance for it.

#3 - I need wine.

haha!

There's actually a #3 and a #4.

I haven't written about problem #2 yet because I'm trying to calm down a bit from problem #1. I can safely say that because of problem #1, it truly has re-heightened my guard about half-truths. And this is not a bad thing.

Ok, I'm tired...going to watch some football or a movie or something. More later.

MJ