My head hurts....

....my head always seems to hurt.

So does my heart.

Um....I don't want to get into details. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I am nothing.

I have no hate in my heart. I wondered to myself why. The only answer I could find was that I am compassionate.

I care too much. I wish no ill-will on anyone. Maybe it has to do with karma. I just do not have it in my heart to hate, to be angry....to be a horrible person.

I've read up so much on karma and yin and yang and Buddhism, you would think I was a walking library.

I've chosen, right this second, to follow the rules listed below to lead my life. I've followed most of them, but I've never written them down. If I write it, then I have to follow it.

1 - I will never lie. I will never tell a half truth. I will always be true to myself and to you.
2 - I will never cheat. At the end of the day, I would only be hurting myself and those around me.
3 - I will never steal. Why take something that does not belong to me. I've worked hard and earned everything I have.
4 - I will not desire. Desire leads to suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore

There are only 4 rules and I've followed all of them in my life, having lapses every so often (with the exception of the cheating. I've NEVER in my life cheated on a girlfriend. And I will NEVER do it. I'm proud to have been able to stay steady).

Yes, I'm very broken right now.

I feel like I am very much....nothing.

Sometimes, even less than nothing.

And I know in my heart, I do not deserve this.

I have not been perfect in my life. But I must have done things to have this happen to me.

I'll lead a good life now and I'll do it by making sure to pay it forward.

But I won't desire anymore.

I just can't stand the suffering.

I can't.